Several times recently, I've heard pregnant women say that they are nervous to give birth...that once their baby is outside their body they will feel unable to protect him or her. I feel the opposite. I cannot wait until these babies are strong and healthy enough to live outside me, and I am so looking forward to the day when they enter this world. Don't get me wrong--I love being pregnant. It is literally a dream come true. But our prior experiences have changed my perspective.
While I have never been anywhere close to this point before, I have been pregnant previously. Three times we conceived a child, and three times my body failed. No matter how many times people tell you it wasn't your fault, human nature wants to assign blame. Getting past that blame is turning into the biggest obstacle for me in this pregnancy. The anxiety is immense, often overwhelming. Each day feels like a bit of a battle to believe.
I am incredibly thankful for sweet Andrew and the encouragement he provides, and I love love love each little nudge I feel that reminds me that these precious babies are growing. But I am also aware that being pregnant doesn't "heal" infertility, and it definitely doesn't erase the scars from previous battles. Like the scars we get as kids on the playground, these will hopefully fade over time, but they will always be present as reminders of the road we traveled to get to this new place.