Thursday, March 19, 2015

dear baby

Sweet baby boy,

Nine weeks from tonight, we will most likely be cuddling you in a hospital room. Provided that everything goes according to plan, we will be staring into your face, a face we've been dreaming about for months now. We'll be trying to determine which of your siblings you look the most like. We'll grasp your tiny toes and fingers over and over again, and be in awe that somehow, through some miracle of grace, we get to be your mom & dad.

And then we'll get home and life will be crazy. We'll be learning to balance you with our other sweet ones. We'll be helping you learn to live in the world while helping them learn to live with a new baby.  And we will enter that sweet yet chaotic season that surrounds each new birth.

So, before things speed up too much, I wanted to take the time to tell you just how excited we are for you. You may be baby #4, but you were so very desired by your mom & dad. We wanted you, we planned you, and we were incredibly amazed when we learned that you were actually on your way.

Shepherd's first birthday party was a few days before his actual birthday (September 13th, 2014), and all day I felt a bit off. I was just a little nauseous, then at 10pm I got an intense craving for pizza. My mother-in-law, your Gigi, joked that I sounded pregnant. I tried not to put too much stock in the comment...after all, I would have been less than 4 weeks so surely wouldn't be having symptoms yet...but secretly, my heart leapt. Could I really be expecting?! So late that night, right before crawling into bed, I took a test. And I swear I saw a tiny line. Your dad couldn't see it and thought it was just wishful thinking, but then the next morning I tried again and there was no denying it. There was definitely a line. Sweet boy, I can't tell you the disbelief and joy we felt. At Shepherd's party, I had told several friends that we really wanted another baby, but that I suspected I wouldn't be able to conceive. God is funny that way sometimes.

We had bloodwork the next day to confirm that you were growing, and I'll be honest...the results were not promising. It was one of my lowest ever initial tests. I was sure we would never meet you. But as we traveled to the beach and I continued to get more tests, the numbers grew, and so did you. Oh little one, if you could know the gratitude I felt with each positive result. If you could know my relief each time it seemed a little more certain that you would stick around. And now I sit here, feeling you kick and squirm. Pure bliss.

So if life gets wild once you arrive, know first and foremost that you are a very desired part of our family. We are so looking forward to meeting you and watching as you begin to explore this amazing world.

We love you,
Mom & Dad

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