party of seven

nine weeks pregnant

 The Shafer family is growing again, adding boy #4 (baby #5) in just two days! On the night of Shepherd's fourth birthday, I just felt like I should take a test, and here we are 9 months later. We are thrilled, and I've never seen kids so excited about gaining a new sibling.

I often look at our life and marvel at its beauty. Our family isn't perfect, but it is pretty incredible. These four kids allow me to see the world in such a sweet way, and I know their baby brother will be the same. I am so unworthy of being their parent, but so so thankful to have this job. 

34 weeks pregnant

shepherd = 4

And continuing the theme of late posts....

Shepherd turned four in September, and he continues to be a ray of sunshine in our family. He is fun and silly and creative. He has developed a love for art and drawing...he goes through so much paper each day! He practices his name and has a song to remember how to spell it. He has become really interested in learning and is so proud of all the information he gathers.

He still loves to make up shows and dances, although his love of Star Wars has meant fewer princess shows and more Darth Vader. He likes to dress up, go to his room, then wait for us to chant his character's name to make his entrance. He loves to give out autographs and selfies. I adore his goofy side, and I pray he never loses it.

While he is silly, Shepherd is also super sensitive. He gets his feelings hurt, but doesn't want to admit it. He is so sad to not be at the same school as Barnes and Frances--he misses them like crazy. He doesn't like to be called any names other than Shepherd (though he allows family to say Shep). He runs through the house from Ellis when he thinks Ellis might bite or hit.

Shepherd is so dear. His love for life and spunk are contagious, and his spirit draws people in. He is a special, unique boy, and I am so thankful to be his mom. I cannot wait to see the plans God has for his sweet life.

For his party, Shepherd wanted to recreate Jedi training from Disney World. His friends all got Jedi robes and lightsabers, and everyone had a chance to fight Darth Vader and meet a Stormtrooper. Andrew was a great sport and actually led the Jedi training! It was truly a blast!

six

Barnes & Frances-

Last month you turned six! Wow...that's a third of the way to the point when you will technically be considered an adult. My mind really can't grasp that you're six, but I can't deny how much you are growing and changing. And I truly cannot tell you how much I enjoy you both.

Frances, I always tell you that you're my best girl, and I really mean it. Sometimes I look at you and I'm blown away by your beauty. You shine, my girl. But the best thing about you is your heart. You are kind and generous and inclusive and empathetic. You are the best sister, and all three of your brothers adore you. You make friends easily and love to be social. You come home from school with sweet stories. You roll your socks now because that's what the girls do.

Barnes, you are an incredible boy. You are sensitive and smart and funny and loving. You are always creating new art and new games and new ways to do things. I love the way your brain works. When I ask you questions, you seldom tell me much, but if I wait long enough you share the best stories. You are so observant. You notice things that many people miss, and you always recognize the beauty in your surroundings.

You two are special kids. Your blend of kindness and spunk is unique. I am so very honored to be your mom, and I cannot wait to continue seeing the ways God shapes you as you grow.

I love you more than you could ever imagine,
Mom

You decided to have your sixth birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, and it was truly a blast!

kindergarten

My sweet twins,

Tomorrow you are off on a new journey--your biggest adventure yet. Kindergarten begins tomorrow, and while I'm so excited for you, I'm also feeling lots of other feels.

I'm sad. I can't help but feel that this is the end of one chapter. Up to this point, we've led a pretty carefree existence together. We've traveled when we wanted, skipped things that didn't seem to matter. But now school beckons. From tomorrow, we'll be basing our lives around the scool calendar.

I'm missing you already. You may not realize this, but I adore you two. Every day I get to spend with you is a treasure. I am so going to miss our days together.

I feel bad for Shepherd and Ellis. Your two brothers think you hung the moon. I know that they are going to be lost without you these first few weeks.

I'm jealous. I can't help but envy your new teachers and friends and all the exciting things they will get to experience with you.

I'm scared. The thought of truly entrusting you to strangers is terrifying.

I'm hopeful. I pray the lessons we've tried to teach you hold strong as you enter this brave new world. My hope for you is that you always remember that we want just three things from you at school--be kind, be a good listener, and try your best.

I'm grateful. We live a life that has allowed us to choose a school that suits your needs. We live in a country that gives us more than one amazing option for your education. I am thankful beyond measure that you two will learn in a safe, warm, loving place, and grateful that even at school you will be reminded of just how much God loves you.

I'm curious. I so look forward to seeing who you grow into, how you change. I can't wait to see what kind of books you enjoy, what activities you want to do, and what new friends you make.

I'm relieved. I feel a sense of peace wash over me seeing how ready you two are, how wise and sweet you already are.

I'm proud. I'm proud of the babies and toddlers and preschoolers you were. I'm proud of the kids you are. I'm proud of the preteens and teens and college kids and adults you will be. I'm so, so proud of who you are, of who God made you to be. And I'm immensely proud to be your mom.

I love you. I will be thinking of you every second of tomorrow. But I know you're going to fly.

Mom

Firetruck Party

Ellis loves trucks, so for his second birthday we had a firetruck party. The kids got to ride in the truck, control the ladder, and spray the hose.....it was pretty much a dream come true for our little two-year-old! We were so thankful to have many friends and family celebrate sweet Ellis with us.

what's a firetruck party without fire hydrant cups and a dalmatian bounce house?

it may be been ellis's party, but everyone got in on the firetruck action

Ellis is Two (plus seven weeks)

My baby, my babiest baby, turned two on May 13th. In so many ways, he still seems tiny, but he's growing more quickly than I dare to admit.

With each passing day, he's able to hang with the big kids a little more. He can build a block tower. He draws and colors. He pushes his baby in his little pink stroller. He takes his turn in every performance. He tries to follow along the games they make up. His favorite thing in the world is making his brothers and sister laugh.

Ellis is quite the goof. He loves to dance and "sing" and make a spectacle. If he thinks something is funny, he'll do it thirty times in a row.

He is fiercely independent. He already puts on his own socks and shoes, and sometimes his own whole outfits. He gets his own snacks out of the pantry, wants to climb stairs on his own, and scales playgrounds like a boss.

He terrorizes the dogs. Poor Cooper is too sweet to run from him, but terrified when Ellis picks him up and tries to carry him.

He loves to read. His favorites are Little Blue Truck Leads the Way and an owl book with five owls of varying colors which he has named after our family members. Every night he asks for "one more time," and I think he would read those two books on never-ending repeat.

He doesn't love talking, but he's beginning to see its advantages. His favorite means of communication is simply moving me or Andrew to where he wants us to go. He pulls me by the dress to show me something. He physically turns our heads to look the way he wants. His words may be few, but he always tells us what he wants.

He looks so long in the bathtub. As the water drains, he always lies on his belly. He takes up most of the tub now.

He hates feeling left out. If he thinks the big kids are doing something without him, it breaks his heart. Putting him to bed earlier than the rest is getting more and more difficult.

He gives the very best hugs. He wraps you up tight and squeezes for several seconds. He loves to say "hug." He also loves to kiss inanimate objects (books, toys, windows).

He is the golden-haired love of my life. He is the sweetest bookend to our family, and we all adore him. We still call him Baby Ellis, and I have a feeling that may never change. We are so grateful that God sent him to us, and I cannot wait to continue watching him change and learn and grow.

what i learned from loss

Oh my heavens. It's been three months since I've sat down and recorded anything here. I constantly have blog posts floating through my brain, things I want to remember, things I want to be sure to tell you about. But honestly, we've been so busy living. Life with four is infinitely different than life with three. I've let a lot of things go so that I can focus more on the fun--the laundry, a clean house, this blog. But so far the trade off has been worth it...our clothes may never make their way back to our closets and may be stuck in a perpetual cycle of wear, wash, grab out of basket, but we are really having fun in this crazy season of life.

Last week, though, I kept meaning to type out a blog in my head, one that is important for me to tell you four about one day. Last week was infertility awareness week, and even though I managed to miss the official week window, there are a few things I want you to know.

While your dad and I didn't experience traditional infertility, we did experience the heartbreak it entails. With each loss, each unexplained failure, we felt our dream family slipping further and further away. When we got married, I had a pretty concrete plan: Be married for approximately 7 years before kids (during which time I would focus on my career), pop out a baby every 2 years until we got our four little ones, send our kids to an amazing school or find a dual language nanny so I could be super mom and super lawyer. I had quite the story written.

But here's how our story really went down: Be married for 1.5 years before beginning treatment for reproductive issues, decide after 4 years that we better start trying for a baby, really really want a baby quickly, lose 3 babies in an extremely short timeframe, decide to leave traditional lawyer job to find a lower stress environment, go all in on fertility treatments, get pregnant with twins at 28, decide to quit being a lawyer all together and stay home with my kids, go through a failed ivf, find out we were having another boy, be super excited we had 3 kids, find out on the day of kid #3's first birthday that kid #4 was on his way. Looking at it like this, it doesn't look as pretty as my plan. It's definitely not as neat, there are some extreme curves along the way, but let me assure you...this was the most beautiful story written.

I've finally, years later, gotten to a place where I view our losses through a different lens. I can now look at that time in my life and see how it changed me, our family, and the choices we went on to make. I am a better person because of those three babies that we never met, because of the failed embryo that I had pinned so much hope onto.

I'm nicer now. I know that sounds silly, and it's a little embarrassing to admit, but the pain we waded through softened my edges in a good, good way.

I respond more quickly with empathy. I believe empathy is one of the most important character traits, and I know that mine was developed through the fire of loss.

I am a better mom. The moments I fought for you gave me a different perspective on motherhood, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am more honest and vulnerable. Our journey to kids taught me the power of telling your story, and more importantly the power of listening to the stories of others.

So here's the thing, little ones. Your life is not going to go as planned. You'll have your story written, and then the chapters will come all out of order, or maybe not come at all. And in that moment, maybe even for years, it will be heart wrenching. Finding a bright side down the road does not negate the real pain of whatever situation you find yourself in. But this is my plea to you...when you find yourself in those places that feel God-forsaken and unredeemable, keep your heart as tender as you possibly can. I promise to protect you as fiercely as I can, but I beg you to hold on to your tenderness. Because the tender spots are where the light creeps back in. And one day, if you let it, you just might find that enough light mixed with your darkness to make you a new person--a person filled with more gratitude, more love, more wholeness. A better person than your planned story could have possibly accounted for.

marching forward

My sweet littles,

Last weekend we had the precious opportunity to take you to your first protest. It was peaceful, united, and quite beautiful. After a previously scheduled viewing of Paw Patrol Live, we walked with dear friends down to Public Square in Nashville and joined almost 15,000 others to take a stand for women's rights in one of the March for Women Sister Marches.

I am so grateful that you are too young to understand how divided our country is right now. It's hard to fathom how good-hearted people can be standing on such opposing sides of history. But I am so grateful that within our home, at least, there is unity. Our family stands for peace, progress and love. We stand for those who are like us and those who are nothing like us. We stand for the right to worship our God, any God, or no God. We stand for the poor, the immigrant, the marginalized, and the "other."

It feels like our current climate is trying to force the world into black and white, as a lack of clarity is disconcerting to many, but as you grow I pray that you will see the beauty in the gray. The gray, where you recognize that your values shouldn't dictate how others choose to live. The gray, where you cling to civil rights for all, even if it means giving up some of your own material comforts. The gray, where you realize that well-meaning people can disagree, that some issues are deep and hard and uncomfortable, and that many of your own personal beliefs have no place in legislation and laws.

If I can teach you anything about politics and government, I hope it is this. You have a voice. You have a space in public discourse. You have the right to be heard, even when it makes others uncomfortable. Please always use your precious voice wisely. Consider your views well, and always stand for the issues that lead to more justice and equality for all.

I love you and I pray every day that I can be a worthy example for your young, impressionable minds.

Mom

"The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice."
- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

wish lists

I love kids' Christmas wish lists. I love what it reveals about their little personality, what they love, and where they are in their growing up journey. To try to keep some control over the Christmas craziness, we tell our kids they can ask for three things from Santa. We explain that Jesus got three gifts, and we want to make sure Santa has room in his sleigh for everyone else's toys. Adhering to the three wish limit, here are our 2016 wish lists:

Barnes- a build-a-bear workshop that makes bears at home and two ninja turtle toys of Santa's choosing.

Frances- a lego Rapunzel castle, a doggie guitar, and shopkins.

Shepherd- Octonauts toys, a jack in the box, and a Mickey suitcase (which was Tinkertoys until just a few days ago)...and he often forgets the three wish limit and adds in a firehouse play doh set.

Ellis- he can't really tell us what he wants yet, but we're pretty sure he just wants to take whatever the big kids get.

Considering we've talked to Santa about ten times this season, I certainly hope these wishes come true on Sunday.

tree hunting

Every once in a while I open my eyes enough to be stopped in my tracks by this life. This crazy, hectic, sticky-finger-filled, loud life. This life full of hugs and tickles and "I love yous." This life where I wipe bums all day and am handed boogers on an hourly basis. This life full of kids and energy and innocence. This life where I somehow feel both totally empty and totally full at the same time.

Advent encourages us to slow down, to prepare, to make room. This season lends itself, if you let it, to noticing the joy in each your days. With four kids and a list of to-dos that just keeps getting rewritten on the next week of my planner, noticing the joy is not always my strongpoint. But this season, I'm determined to see the magic around me.

I'm pretty sure it's going to be a sweet, sweet December.

preschool pics

Is there anything better than a cheesy school picture??? I assert that school pictures are one of the joys of life, and I submit the following as evidence:

ellis snuck in for a group shot...not sure why ellis is wearing a summer outfit...

they always want a twin picture.

frances katherine, pre k

she loves dresses and headbands and pink and purple

barnes howard, pre k

he loves blue and ninja turtles and his sister

shepherd louis, older 2s

he loves yellow and Cooper and being with friends

on politics and goodness

Sweet littles,

Today I hoped to be writing you a different letter. I hoped to be telling you that we had elected our first female president, a president that, though flawed, would reflect the values that we as a family hold dear. Instead, a man that I have a very hard time finding anything positive about won. You are too little to understand this all now (thank God), but you are not to young to understand the importance of love and kindness and goodness. Many years from now you'll be reading this, and I want you to know that your dad and I stood on the right side of history. I want you to know that the majority of American people stood on the right side of history, despite the results of the electoral college. And I want you to know that we have much to be thankful for and much to learn from this chapter in our nation's history.

First, please never take for granted the privilege into which you were born. Through no merit of your own, you were born to highly educated parents who both have a heart for social justice. Throughout your childhood and adolescence, you will be given every opportunity your heart desires. You will be given quality schools, extra help, exposure to innumerable extra curricular activities. You will be loved beyond belief by parents who have the luxury of flexible schedules that provide much quality family time. You are white--you are not a racial or ethnic or religious minority. Three of you are males, which still carries immense privilege in our society. Please, I implore you, recognize and acknowledge your privileged status. Be proud of your accomplishments, but always remember that you had a different starting line than many. And dear little ones, use your privilege to bring others up. That is my fervent prayer for you. Never, ever weaponize your privilege. Never use it as a tool to oppress. There is enough at this table for everyone, but all will not be served well until the privileged among us find ways to pull others up with our own fortune.

Second, protect and stand up for those who are different from you. There are no "others," as we are all children of God. God loves you and made you, but He also loves and made everyone else. When Jesus lived in our complicated world, he was consistently drawn to the marginalized. Today, in 2016, I see the marginalized in our society, and instead of loving them, many who purport to bear the image of Christ push them further to the edges. The immigrants. The Muslims. The lesbians, gay, bisexual and transgender people. African Americans. The poor. And so many more minority groups, scared and hurting from a world that would prefer to hurl stones rather than extending a hand. I pray that as you grow, you will always be on watch for who the marginalized are. Figure out who society is shunning, and then figure out how you can love them and serve them and walk beside them.

Third, never let your own economic well-being trump the importance of kindness and goodness, and never put your own finances above another person's basic civil rights. I hope you grow to be wildly successful at whatever you choose to do. Part of that, of course, is hoping that you are able to create a stable financial position for yourself and your family. But please know that money is never more important than humanity. I am so dismayed that people could vote for a racist, sexist, xenophobe because it would be more beneficial for their pocketbook. Good people can have differing views on policy, but good people cannot have differing views on racism. Racism, wherever it is seen, must be rejected. It can never be excused for the sake of economics. Never. I'll be honest with you, little ones, this is where I am struggling the most this morning. More than 50 million people voted for a man who was openly racist during and before this election cycle. Some people I hold dear voted for him. But I hold firmly that by voting for a racist you explicitly condone racism. I am heartbroken that so many people still harbor hidden (or not so hidden) views that your race or sex or religion make you more worthwhile than another child of God.

Finally, and this one is super important, never use your religion to try to legislate others' lives. You and God get to decide how you live your life, but that should not regulate how your neighbor must live. Remember that the separation of church and state is a good thing, a very good thing. It is a central tenet in our democracy, and you must never lose sight of its necessity.

There's so much more I could say here, but here's what matters most: love God, and love people. It won't always be easy, but if you filter your choices through this lens, you will be well-guided. Know that in our family and in our home, we will continue to stress love for all. We will still ask you repeatedly what's most important in life, and "being kind" will still be the answer. We will continue to look for ways to make our world more just for everyone. We will pray for softened hearts, softened rhetoric, and healing for our America.

We love you. We tried.

Mom and Dad

halloween 2016

boo at the zoo 2016

The older they get, the better holidays get, and Halloween 2016 was truly a blast. 

Barnes knew what his costume should be, and there was no way he would possibly change it. He was Leonardo, his favorite Ninja Turtle (because blue), and he sported his turtle wear every chance he got.

Frances wanted to be a pink princess or fairy, but only wanted a costume that had an identical doll costume. Yea...kind of limited our choices there. Once we found the right combo, we had to get a "real" crown and princess necklace, of course. For our one family dress-up night, though, Frances strayed from her princess wear and went with Minnie Mouse, and 2014 throw back.

Shepherd has been saying for months that he wanted to be a fire hydrant, so I made him an adorable costume (though at 80 plus degrees, it was too hot for the pants). He wore his fire hydrant sans attachments twice, then switched over to Pioneer Mickey or Mickey Crocket for the family party, and Belle for Halloween. Belle was the 50-1 favorite going into Halloween, and Vegas always wins my friends.

Ellis was a wubb-a-nub, which is a pacifier with a small stuffed animal attached. He is addicted to his giraffe wubbi, which inspired his costume. For family night, however, we just had to pull back out the cutest Donald Duck costume ever. Those yellow legs are too much, y'all. 

Overall, it was an immensely successful celebration. The kids got too much candy, more than they could ever eat. Shepherd accosted people with glow sticks in our front yard--his "handing out" techniques were a little aggressive. Barnes and Frances yelled out "come get candy" to anyone who didn't stop in our yard, and I'm pretty sure they thought we were selling the candy. We challenged at least one kid's gender stereotypes with our male Belle, and we recorded no blood or other injuries. A definite win for our crew.

family dress up--we love disney

halloween night

our four crazies...plus dad to keep Ellis from jumping in the creek

little graces

As we pulled into the driveway tonight, Frances asked about our neighbor's dog. Was Ms. Patsy sad because her dog was gone? Honestly, I didn't think the kids were paying attention on Halloween night when Ms. Patsy told us of the dog's passing. But, of course, they heard. They listened to her words, even when they seemed engrossed in their candy, and they registered her sadness. After I explained that Ms. Patsy's dog had died, and that yes she was sad because she loved and missed her little friend, Frances quickly determined that we should do something nice for her. As soon as we entered the house, Frannie grabbed paper and started making a card...and Barnes and Shepherd joined right in.

I wrote three times in September, zero times in October. I've been trying to work more, yet mothering the same amount. We're currently dealing with pneumonia, bronchiolitis, and a back injury. We're looking at kindergartens. I'm trying to be more intentional with each of my four babies as individuals.  I'm potentially cancelling my first weekend away all by myself since the kids were born...for the second year in a row. As it is for everyone else, life is just a lot. Most nights, my well runs pretty dry.

I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who shows up in the little moments. Many yearn for spiritual mountaintops, but I feel God's love most tangibly in the mundane. I was so done with parenting today, but on the way home from dinner my possibly possessed stereo system (I really never know what might come on when I crank the car) decided to play sweet music by my dear friend. Music that reminded me that "little pieces of a broken heart" are enough. That we don't have to be whole and shiny to come to our Lord. That He takes us as we are....broken, bruised, cranky, needing medication.

And God took it from there. Shepherd made up some crazy story about how a fairy godmother had sprinkled his ear with magic dust and now it talked to him (but only he can hear it, of course). We voted unanimously that everyone's cough should go away. We made cards for our sweet neighbor, indulged in a little Halloween loot, and ended the day smiling on a night that could have easily gone awry.

What would I do without these little graces? These little graces, that though they are small in the scheme of life, often have huge impacts on my day? My prayer tonight is that I keep my eyes open, noticing and giving thanks for God's graces as they come, and teaching my kids to be ever aware of all the magnificent ways God loves his children.

nanny and poppy

Even as an adult, your parents can sometimes continue teaching you. You may not agree on everything in life--your personhood is now more separated and you have a family of your own--but there are still sweet lessons to be found.

I am so very thankful for the way my parents grandparent my children. It's a joy to watch them be intentional, to watch them show up time after time for both the important and the mundane. To see my kids' faces light up when Nana & Papa (or Nanny and Poppy as they've become) show up for birthday parties and soccer games and Christmas programs and random lunches. I am learning from their relationship that the best way to show love really is time. That physical presence can mean so much. I am grateful for these lessons, and most grateful for the ways my kids are benefitting from them.

my three-year-old sunshine

Sweet Shepherd,

You are three. You are crazy and wild and fun and adorable, and you are three.

You've grown up so much this year. You no longer just repeat things that the twins say--you make up entire stories all on your own. You talk and sing all day long. My favorites are "Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun" and "You are My Sunshine."

You love Cooper. You stalk him around the house and just want to lay your hand on him. You will sit and silently pet him for so long, you completely happy and Cooper a bit terrified.

You think you are as big as Barnes & Frances. You get so upset when they get to do something you can't. And for the most part, you totally keep up with them. You think their friends are your friends, and you get confused when things are separated based on age. Barnes & Frances are your very favorite people.

You're a little scared of Ellis. He bit you once, and for some reason every time he gets near you you start screaming and running, saying he's trying to bite you. You hate having to share with him and hide your toys from him.

You LOVE Belle. You love all things yellow, so her yellow dress makes her a hands-down favorite. The night before your birthday, you told me you wanted a Belle tea set. This was the very first I had heard about this, but knowing how much you love Belle, we made it happen. Now you dance through the house pushing your Belle tea cart, singing Be Our Guest and pouring a cup of tea into Chip.

You are the very pickiest eater. You say you will only eat macaroni and cheese, cheerios, and quesadillas, and you really don't eat too much more than that.

You are stubborn. You truly understand the power of no. You have all out refused to potty train.

You love construction, movies, soccer, TV characters, gymboree, bubbles, m&ms, ring pops, and performing. You like to wear your sunshine shirt.

You make everyone you meet smile. You have a unique charisma, and people fall in love with you.

You warm our hearts and make our family so much more special. We are so thankful to have been chosen to be your mom and dad. We love you immensely and cannot wait to see where your contagious spirit takes you in life!

Mom

Shepherd's Trolley Party!

A few months ago, Shepherd saw a trolley out and about and suddenly remembered that the twins had a trolley party once, so he just HAD to have a trolley party too. When Shepherd wants a trolley, he gets a trolley, so this past weekend we celebrated our middle love with a big Daniel Tiger themed festivity.

This party turned out to be SO MUCH FUN. We had an awesome face-painter, which was a huge hit with all the kids. Shepherd and Barnes turned into ninja turtles, while Frances became a princess. There was a hot dog cart, bounce house fun, the cutest cake, and most importantly, trolley rides! Shepherd went on all three loops, and the kids got a dance party going aboard after the last round. It was completely adorable!

Shepherd was adamant about three things this year: 1) he wanted yellow in the decorations, since that's his favorite color; 2) he wanted the trolley to look like Daniel Tiger's trolley; and 3) he REALLY wanted to invite his own school friends. He got all three things, and he never stopped smiling. Pretty sure Shepherd felt very celebrated and loved as he gets ready to turn three.

we love daniel tiger

happy birthday, sweet shepherd

five

Barnes and Frances-

Last week you turned five. A whole hand. This one hit me hard--I seriously cannot believe that my sweet baby twins are five. But I have to say, life with two five-year-olds is pretty amazing.

You guys are so much fun right now. You're witty and engaging. You love games, you make up stories. You can actually have conversations (though the questions you ask can be quite entertaining, i.e., "How do grown-ups play with each other?"). You dance and do gymnastics and run all through the house all day long. You just started soccer, your first team sport, and so far you are loving it. I love seeing your confidence grow each day, seeing you realize your independence bit by bit.

Barnes, you are my artist. You could sit and create all day. You love to draw, paint, color, do play-doh, cut, glue. And you're really, really good. You make little masterpieces every day. I love how determined you are, how insistent you are that the finished product be just the way you see it in your head. I am captivated by your creative spirit. B, your little brain is growing so much right now. Just the other day, you read me a whole book. You soak up everything around you. You love school, and you are always so excited to see your friends. You have the sweetest, most tender little spirit. I love the way you love with your whole heart.

Frances, you are a character these days. You are goofy and funny. You love to dance and make silly faces and different voices. You're getting into accessories, and on your birthday you wore five different necklaces to lunch. I love that you're growing your own little sense of style. You are still quite the little mama. You love your baby dolls so much--Kitty Cat Kitty Cat Frances Frances, Ava, and Suzy. You take great care of them, and you help me take care of your baby brothers. I am pretty sure you think Ellis is one of your dolls. You are a little social butterfly--you love friends and love school. You are always taking in the environment around you and are starting to sound like such a grown up. I love your precious heart, your sweet spirit, and your innate inclusivity.

Sweet little ones, I love you so very much. And I don't just love you...I really, really enjoy our days together. You are so fun to be around. Yes, you have your moments (and your days) when you're a little tough to parent, but overall you're both pretty amazing.

Sometimes I wonder about the three babies your dad and I lost. I get sad thinking that I'll never know them. But here's the thing--you were most definitely made for me and your dad. You are the perfect children for us, our perfect firstborns. God knit our family together in His perfect and mysterious way, and I am so very grateful to be your mom. I love that I get to be on this beautiful journey with the two of you.

Mom

five-aroo

Many months ago, Frances and Barnes decided they wanted a local kids' musician to play at their birthday party this year, so we got busy planning their very own music festival-- FIVE-AROO. We had the best day celebrating with friends and grandparents. From the concert to the snow cone truck, from necklaces and headbands to tattoos, the twins' fifth birthday party was one to remember. The best part was watching them feel special. Throughout the day, their faces were shining. And even a quick downpour as we finished singing Happy Birthday couldn't dampen the fun!

lots of singing and dancing and playing with friends

feathers, selfie booth, and microphones= fun

so thankful to have Nana, Papa, and Gigi here to celebrate!

"my daughter's mother"

Little ones,

A few days ago history was made. For the first time in our country's 200 plus year history, a woman became the presidential nominee of a major party. Now, I try not to project my political leanings onto you. Maybe you'll grow up and be all "mom supported Hillary Clinton????" But no matter your eventual politics, I hope to raise you in such a way that you appreciate what this means for us. For Frances and myself as women. For my boys, as the brothers and friends and possible partners of women. For our whole nation, and really our world.

During her speech, Secretary Clinton stated: "When there are no ceilings, the sky's the limit." Little ones, I hope that you realize that your dreams, hard work, and the benefits you've been given in this life can take you far--farther than you can currently imagine. As you move towards your dreams, though, I pray that you are aware of and grateful for the ones who came before you, the ones who made your path a little smoother and straighter. The ones who plowed down the hills a bit so that your trip would be less treacherous.

As she accepted the nomination, Clinton said: "Standing here as my mother's daughter, and my daughter's mother, I'm so happy this day has come. Happy for grandmothers and little girls and everyone in between." As the mother of a little girl, I am so thankful for trailblazers like Hillary Clinton. I am thankful that, in your short lives, you have seen a black man as president and now a woman as a major candidate (and hopefully soon filling the oval office). I am thankful that the people you see in power are already far more diverse than the images I saw in my childhood. I pray that these images permeate your being. I hope you know that we are all equal and capable and powerful. I hope you know that a person's value can never be limited by their gender or race or religion or sexual orientation or employment status or wealth or educational level. And I pray I am doing my best to impart these lessons.

I love you four so incredibly much. I cannot wait to see what limits you push in your life and where your dreams take you. 

Mom