on nursing...

Sweet baby Ellis, 

It's been more than three days since you nursed. I fed you Saturday morning, cuddling extra close, knowing that it was probably our last morning session. I was afraid you would be devastated, and though there have been a few rough moments, you have been mostly fine. I guess it really was the right time for us.

Dear boy, I have truly treasured feeding you. I loved our cuddly mornings. I loved watching you drift to sleep at night against my chest. I loved that when you were sad, you wanted me. I loved the way you looked to me every few hours. I loved the quiet moments we had, just the two of us. And oh how I loved your little hand. The hand that would stroke my chest...reach for my hair...play with my shirt...grab a necklace if I dared wear one. That precious baby hand, still so plump and dimpled. Still figuring out how to accomplish its goal. Watching that hand throughout your whole first year was probably my favorite part of nursing you.

I remember being pregnant with the twins. The thought of breastfeeding honestly freaked me out quite a bit, but I knew I wanted to do it. Then they came early and spent weeks in the NICU on the bottle, and despite our best efforts, never figured out the whole nursing deal. Then I was pregnant with Shepherd, my full-term singleton, who I just knew would be a breastfeeding champ. But somehow, despite all the help we could find, he and I could never get it right. It just didn't work. Then came you. After pumping for all of your siblings, I decided to lower my expectations for nursing. Yes, I wanted it to work, but I had three healthy, attached children that never nursed. If it didn't work, it would be fine....but oh how I hoped. The day you were born you had no interest in the boob. None. Zero. Then, after landing in the NICU, you started eating via bottle, and I saw my hopes of nursing my final little one drift away. But on day seven we brought you home, and on day eight you latched like a champ. We gradually shifted away from the bottles, and we never really looked back.

When I pumped, I was constantly counting down to the next milestone, willing myself to make it as long as possible, so I expected to feel the same way this time. But it was so different. We found our groove. You loved nursing, I loved feeding you, and the months ticked by. I wanted to make it to six months, but then suddenly we were staring down your first birthday. One year. One whole year of mom's milk. When we started this journey, one year was my secret goal, the goal I only whispered quietly to myself in the dark. And now we made it to that dream goal, my little love. I am so thankful for you, so grateful for all your dad did to help us, and so honored to have nourished you this long.

Sometimes I have trouble understanding the Gospel...how God could redeem mankind by sending a tiny baby. Being my child, I have a feeling this is something you will grapple with as well. Here's the thing, Ellis. God hears our questions...He anticipates our need to be reminded of His goodness. For our sake, He rewrites His story all over creation. How can a little baby bring redemption? How can God move through something so small and seemingly powerless? I'm not sure how it all works in the big picture, but I can tell you this for certain--four times now, I have experienced true redemption come in the form of a tiny baby. Redemption that was so needed, even if I didn't realize it before finding it. When Barnes and Frances were born, they brought healing and redemption to my soul, which had been deeply damaged by the loss of our first three babies. They made me a mom. Then Shepherd came along, with a picture perfect birth story, redeeming the inadequacy I held regarding the twins' early and difficult birth. And then you, Ellis. You came to our family and gave me another missing piece, the opportunity to nurse my baby, redeeming a deep desire and feeling of failure. You came and showed me that it had never been my fault before, something I so desperately needed to know. 

I love you, little one. And I have loved feeding you. Thank you for this precious experience.

Mom

happy birthday to my fav

Happy (two days late) 33rd to my boyfriend for life, the best dad and husband I could ever imagine. Love you lots...and so do these four.

pancakes and pajamas party

If Ellis had to pick a favorite meal, I am pretty sure he would choose breakfast, so for his first birthday party, we had all of our little friends over for pancakes in their pajamas!

The invitations were just perfect, and no first birthday is complete without mimosas and personalized cups!

Donuts and biscuits and pancakes (with sprinkles and chocolate chips of course)...pretty sure no one left hungry!

The cake. Seriously amazing. The pancake topper looked so real, the smash cake was a perfect replica,
and it tasted as good as it looked.



From the stat board to the hat to the cereal bowl favors, we loved how sweet Ellis's little celebration turned out.




The birthday boy! He would not even touch his cake!




And no party is complete without lots of friends. We were thankful to be surrounded by Nana & Papa,
Aunt Bec and Aunt E, and so many long-time friends, both big and small.
And even though he was one of the youngest kids at the party, Ellis joined in on all the fun!

Ellis is One!

birthday morning- May 13th

 Sweet Ellis, 

Somehow you are a whole year old. It doesn't seem possible...you are still my tiny baby, my littlest little, yet you have been in our family for a whole year (plus two days now).

Ellis, there are no words for the depth of my love for you. You are our fourth baby, but everything this year has felt so new and special. God made you so uniquely, and you are so uniquely loved. I have loved watching you grow, and taken special pleasure in seeing you learn new things...rolling, sitting up, eating, and in the past few weeks, walking. Your face lights up when you realize you have accomplished something--your pride just shines!

Your absolute favorite thing to do is play with your siblings. You think they hung the moon. You were clearly not designed to be an only child...in fact, when it's just you and me, you seem completely bored. You look for Barnes, Frances and Shepherd and smile your biggest smile when they come in the room.

You love your dad. Now that we are nursing a little less, you whine for him as soon as you see him. Though you spent most of your first year as a momma's boy, you now prefer to split your time about 50/50.

You are walking like a champ! You can wobble across a whole room, and you are getting braver and more sure of yourself each day.

You love riding toys. We got you a car for your first birthday because you kept stealing your siblings cozy coupe's. You love climbing in and out, and you especially love it when Barnes or Frances pushes you.

You are still not a huge fan of sleeping. Though you usually sleep through the night now, you are a bit of a challenge to get down, and you are still not a terribly good napper. I joke that you are always afraid you will miss something, but I honestly believe it's true. You want to be in the middle of everything all the time. You are definitely not content to watch life from the sidelines.

You give the sweetest little hugs. You lay your head on my shoulder and just keep it there for a few seconds. It's one of my absolute favorite things.

You still like to nurse a few times a day. I am so thankful for the hours I have spent feeding you this year. You will never know what a joy and privilege it has been. I love that I am what you fall asleep to at night and wake up to in the morning. I know that our nursing relationship will be ending soon, but I can truly say that it's one of the most special things I have gotten to experience in my life.

Ellis, you are such a doll. You are a climber, an adventurer, and a ball full of energy. I could write about you forever, but the most important thing is this--you are loved. You are loved by me (mom), your dad, your sister and brothers, your grandparents, your whole family, so many friends, and most importantly, by God. God loves you so, and I pray that over your life you will come to know Him and His deep love. I pray that, by God's grace, you will grow into a kind, gentle, servant-hearted man who is marked by compassion and empathy. I pray that I will be the mother you need, that I will love you well and ask forgiveness when necessary, modeling a life-giving relationship to you.

Sweet Ellis, thank you for being my baby, now and always.

Love you so very much,
Mom

while in Florida for our nephew's first communion, we made a quick detour to celebrate with Mickey...
your last baby only turns one once!

my princess boys

As we stood in line for our reservation at Cinderella's table, my three big kids shimmied into their costumes--a Cinderella dress, a Rapunzel dress, and a Snow White dress. The family in front of us looked a bit puzzled. The Disney workers, of course, didn't bat an eye. Yes, we brought three princesses to eat at the castle, two of whom were boys.

Barnes loves his Cinderella dress. We gave it to him for Christmas because he had outgrown his old one. This one is "fancier" than the last, with sparkles and pearls and a little photo. He thinks it's the most beautiful gown in the world.

Shepherd returned from Disney World smitten with Belle. Yellow is his favorite color, and he just HAD to have a Belle dress. He literally asked multiple times each day when he could get a Belle dress. So shortly after our return, Andrew drove to Target after bedtime one night to surprise him in the morning. It's now his most prized possession.

At least three times a week we play princesses. Sometimes it's a princess tea party, sometimes princess super heroes, sometimes a dance party, and sometimes a sword fight. No matter the scenario, though, we don our dresses, gloves, shoes, crowns, and occasionally extra jewelry.

Why do we play princesses? Because that is what my kids choose. With an assortment of dress up options presented to them, they choose the princesses almost every time. It makes them happy. It makes them feel special. It ignites their imagination.

Do we care that our boys like to dress up as princesses? Not one bit. Honestly. Not at all. First of all, they are kids. We want them to have fun and explore and not worry about worldly expectations. Second of all, I firmly believe that allowing them to dress as princesses now will have no affect on who they become (other than to possibly make them more loving and accepting, which would be awesome). If our children are gay, they are already gay. If one of my boys still wants to wear dresses in 5 years or 10 years, he was going to want to wear them no matter what we played.

So what's my point here? Every so often, I print this blog into a book. While I enjoy writing, this entire endeavor is primarily a love letter to my children. I hope that one day they will look back and be able to relive their childhood through my words. That they will gain insight into the choices we made as parents and who Andrew and I were as people. Most of all, though, I hope that they will be able to hold these pages and see how much they have always been loved.

So....

To Barnes and Shepherd (and Ellis when you're old enough to dress up)-- One day you may look back at pictures of yourselves in princess regalia and be embarrassed. Or one day you may look back and laugh. Or perhaps you will see your true self in these old photos. No matter, here's what I want you to know. From the day you were born, your dad and I have loved you without reservation. We adore you. We know that God created you, and that who you are is exactly who you were intended to be. There is nothing you could be or do that would make us love you more or less--you already have our whole hearts. Right now, you think that sparkly dresses are special and beautiful. Your dad and I think that you are special and beautiful. Whether you keep donning these gowns for 30 more years or decide next week that "boys don't wear dresses," we couldn't love you more. It's been an honor having dinner with princesses so many evenings, and it will continue to be for as long as you choose.

disney 2016

We are a disney family. While Disney World is understandably not for everyone, our family cherishes our annual trip. The kids (and the adults) love the anticipation and planning. The little ones watch videos of the parade, look at pictures of the restaurants. For weeks before, and weeks after, it's all they can talk about. And I, as a mom, actually enjoy this trip more than any other we take. While it's not a laid-back-sipping-on-margaritas kind of week, nothing is with four kids. But while at Disney World, you get sucked into this imaginary yet so real place, where dreams come true, heroes are hugged, and the outside world melts away. It's a place to disconnect--to not check your email or your Facebook account. To focus on your kids and watch their faces as they discover each new treasure. I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to have these experiences with our little crew.

We had a magical week this year. Honestly, I don't know how we will ever top this trip. After landing in Orlando, we always start our trip with an evening at Disney Springs. No Shafer trip to Orlando is complete without a stop at Goofy's Candy Shop.

Day one at Magic Kingdom was full of princesses, parades, and rides. We are super into princesses right now....Barnes loves Cinderella (because of her blue dress), Frances loves Rapunzel (because of her long hair), and Shepherd used to love Snow White but has recently changed his allegiance to Belle (a post-trip switch). The kids were amazed by lunch in Cinderella's castle, which was honestly the neatest Disney experience we have had to date. They also REALLY loved the parade this year. At least three mornings a week now I get woken up with Disney parade music being marched through my room, and BF&S are constantly putting on "shows."

Day two started with me running a half marathon (after a 10k the day before). I was picked up in a rental van at the finish line and whisked to Hollywood Studios without even having time for a shower! We watched the shows, danced with characters, and had lunch with our Disney Junior friends. As you can tell from our pictures, our trip was character heavy. Meeting new friends (or the same friends in different outfits) never got old. They almost completely filled up their autograph books!

Day three was back to Magic Kingdom after breakfast at Chef Mickey's (a definite favorite). A few more princesses, a lot more rides, and a trip to Tom Sawyer Island were the perfect combination.

Andrew worked a bit on day four, which was a non-park day, so we started with mom and the four kids doing a character breakfast alone. It was a bit of a logistical nightmare (I had to wear the baby 75% of the time so I could get food from the buffet for everyone else), and my camera decided to die, but it was worth it for quality time with Winnie, Tigger, Mary Poppins, the Mad Hatter (or the Silly Guy as Shep says), and Alice. We rounded out the morning with a trip to the splash park, then after nap headed to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique for Frances's favorite part of the week. Frances became Princess Frances and Barnes became Knight Barnes, and even Shep got a sword and shield.

Despite a rainy start, our last day at Animal Kingdom turned out pretty perfect. A final lunch with the main mouse, a scavenger hunt to find our Lion Guard friends, dancing with Rafiki, being sung about while in line to meet the Chipmunks, and some goat brushing rounded out our trip quite well.

Disney World, thanks for such a fun week. I love hearing the three big kids relive the magic and pretend to be the characters. I have a feeling we'll be back!

shep shep

This child got attacked by an automatic soap dispenser today. My Shepherd. There's something incredibly special about this boy. He brings joy and renewed life to everyone he meets. From the moment we learned of his existence, he's been spreading indescribable joy. You see, he was conceived in the direct aftermath of a failed IVF cycle, a cycle that left my soul bruised and aching. He has brought a unique light to our family each day of his life. His personality is huge, and his capacity for love is even bigger. On this Holy Week, his sweet smile is one of my favorite reminders of God with us, even in our dark places.

(taken from instagram a couple weeks ago)