pancakes and pajamas party

If Ellis had to pick a favorite meal, I am pretty sure he would choose breakfast, so for his first birthday party, we had all of our little friends over for pancakes in their pajamas!

The invitations were just perfect, and no first birthday is complete without mimosas and personalized cups!

Donuts and biscuits and pancakes (with sprinkles and chocolate chips of course)...pretty sure no one left hungry!

The cake. Seriously amazing. The pancake topper looked so real, the smash cake was a perfect replica,
and it tasted as good as it looked.



From the stat board to the hat to the cereal bowl favors, we loved how sweet Ellis's little celebration turned out.




The birthday boy! He would not even touch his cake!




And no party is complete without lots of friends. We were thankful to be surrounded by Nana & Papa,
Aunt Bec and Aunt E, and so many long-time friends, both big and small.
And even though he was one of the youngest kids at the party, Ellis joined in on all the fun!

Ellis is One!

birthday morning- May 13th

 Sweet Ellis, 

Somehow you are a whole year old. It doesn't seem possible...you are still my tiny baby, my littlest little, yet you have been in our family for a whole year (plus two days now).

Ellis, there are no words for the depth of my love for you. You are our fourth baby, but everything this year has felt so new and special. God made you so uniquely, and you are so uniquely loved. I have loved watching you grow, and taken special pleasure in seeing you learn new things...rolling, sitting up, eating, and in the past few weeks, walking. Your face lights up when you realize you have accomplished something--your pride just shines!

Your absolute favorite thing to do is play with your siblings. You think they hung the moon. You were clearly not designed to be an only child...in fact, when it's just you and me, you seem completely bored. You look for Barnes, Frances and Shepherd and smile your biggest smile when they come in the room.

You love your dad. Now that we are nursing a little less, you whine for him as soon as you see him. Though you spent most of your first year as a momma's boy, you now prefer to split your time about 50/50.

You are walking like a champ! You can wobble across a whole room, and you are getting braver and more sure of yourself each day.

You love riding toys. We got you a car for your first birthday because you kept stealing your siblings cozy coupe's. You love climbing in and out, and you especially love it when Barnes or Frances pushes you.

You are still not a huge fan of sleeping. Though you usually sleep through the night now, you are a bit of a challenge to get down, and you are still not a terribly good napper. I joke that you are always afraid you will miss something, but I honestly believe it's true. You want to be in the middle of everything all the time. You are definitely not content to watch life from the sidelines.

You give the sweetest little hugs. You lay your head on my shoulder and just keep it there for a few seconds. It's one of my absolute favorite things.

You still like to nurse a few times a day. I am so thankful for the hours I have spent feeding you this year. You will never know what a joy and privilege it has been. I love that I am what you fall asleep to at night and wake up to in the morning. I know that our nursing relationship will be ending soon, but I can truly say that it's one of the most special things I have gotten to experience in my life.

Ellis, you are such a doll. You are a climber, an adventurer, and a ball full of energy. I could write about you forever, but the most important thing is this--you are loved. You are loved by me (mom), your dad, your sister and brothers, your grandparents, your whole family, so many friends, and most importantly, by God. God loves you so, and I pray that over your life you will come to know Him and His deep love. I pray that, by God's grace, you will grow into a kind, gentle, servant-hearted man who is marked by compassion and empathy. I pray that I will be the mother you need, that I will love you well and ask forgiveness when necessary, modeling a life-giving relationship to you.

Sweet Ellis, thank you for being my baby, now and always.

Love you so very much,
Mom

while in Florida for our nephew's first communion, we made a quick detour to celebrate with Mickey...
your last baby only turns one once!

my princess boys

As we stood in line for our reservation at Cinderella's table, my three big kids shimmied into their costumes--a Cinderella dress, a Rapunzel dress, and a Snow White dress. The family in front of us looked a bit puzzled. The Disney workers, of course, didn't bat an eye. Yes, we brought three princesses to eat at the castle, two of whom were boys.

Barnes loves his Cinderella dress. We gave it to him for Christmas because he had outgrown his old one. This one is "fancier" than the last, with sparkles and pearls and a little photo. He thinks it's the most beautiful gown in the world.

Shepherd returned from Disney World smitten with Belle. Yellow is his favorite color, and he just HAD to have a Belle dress. He literally asked multiple times each day when he could get a Belle dress. So shortly after our return, Andrew drove to Target after bedtime one night to surprise him in the morning. It's now his most prized possession.

At least three times a week we play princesses. Sometimes it's a princess tea party, sometimes princess super heroes, sometimes a dance party, and sometimes a sword fight. No matter the scenario, though, we don our dresses, gloves, shoes, crowns, and occasionally extra jewelry.

Why do we play princesses? Because that is what my kids choose. With an assortment of dress up options presented to them, they choose the princesses almost every time. It makes them happy. It makes them feel special. It ignites their imagination.

Do we care that our boys like to dress up as princesses? Not one bit. Honestly. Not at all. First of all, they are kids. We want them to have fun and explore and not worry about worldly expectations. Second of all, I firmly believe that allowing them to dress as princesses now will have no affect on who they become (other than to possibly make them more loving and accepting, which would be awesome). If our children are gay, they are already gay. If one of my boys still wants to wear dresses in 5 years or 10 years, he was going to want to wear them no matter what we played.

So what's my point here? Every so often, I print this blog into a book. While I enjoy writing, this entire endeavor is primarily a love letter to my children. I hope that one day they will look back and be able to relive their childhood through my words. That they will gain insight into the choices we made as parents and who Andrew and I were as people. Most of all, though, I hope that they will be able to hold these pages and see how much they have always been loved.

So....

To Barnes and Shepherd (and Ellis when you're old enough to dress up)-- One day you may look back at pictures of yourselves in princess regalia and be embarrassed. Or one day you may look back and laugh. Or perhaps you will see your true self in these old photos. No matter, here's what I want you to know. From the day you were born, your dad and I have loved you without reservation. We adore you. We know that God created you, and that who you are is exactly who you were intended to be. There is nothing you could be or do that would make us love you more or less--you already have our whole hearts. Right now, you think that sparkly dresses are special and beautiful. Your dad and I think that you are special and beautiful. Whether you keep donning these gowns for 30 more years or decide next week that "boys don't wear dresses," we couldn't love you more. It's been an honor having dinner with princesses so many evenings, and it will continue to be for as long as you choose.

disney 2016

We are a disney family. While Disney World is understandably not for everyone, our family cherishes our annual trip. The kids (and the adults) love the anticipation and planning. The little ones watch videos of the parade, look at pictures of the restaurants. For weeks before, and weeks after, it's all they can talk about. And I, as a mom, actually enjoy this trip more than any other we take. While it's not a laid-back-sipping-on-margaritas kind of week, nothing is with four kids. But while at Disney World, you get sucked into this imaginary yet so real place, where dreams come true, heroes are hugged, and the outside world melts away. It's a place to disconnect--to not check your email or your Facebook account. To focus on your kids and watch their faces as they discover each new treasure. I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to have these experiences with our little crew.

We had a magical week this year. Honestly, I don't know how we will ever top this trip. After landing in Orlando, we always start our trip with an evening at Disney Springs. No Shafer trip to Orlando is complete without a stop at Goofy's Candy Shop.

Day one at Magic Kingdom was full of princesses, parades, and rides. We are super into princesses right now....Barnes loves Cinderella (because of her blue dress), Frances loves Rapunzel (because of her long hair), and Shepherd used to love Snow White but has recently changed his allegiance to Belle (a post-trip switch). The kids were amazed by lunch in Cinderella's castle, which was honestly the neatest Disney experience we have had to date. They also REALLY loved the parade this year. At least three mornings a week now I get woken up with Disney parade music being marched through my room, and BF&S are constantly putting on "shows."

Day two started with me running a half marathon (after a 10k the day before). I was picked up in a rental van at the finish line and whisked to Hollywood Studios without even having time for a shower! We watched the shows, danced with characters, and had lunch with our Disney Junior friends. As you can tell from our pictures, our trip was character heavy. Meeting new friends (or the same friends in different outfits) never got old. They almost completely filled up their autograph books!

Day three was back to Magic Kingdom after breakfast at Chef Mickey's (a definite favorite). A few more princesses, a lot more rides, and a trip to Tom Sawyer Island were the perfect combination.

Andrew worked a bit on day four, which was a non-park day, so we started with mom and the four kids doing a character breakfast alone. It was a bit of a logistical nightmare (I had to wear the baby 75% of the time so I could get food from the buffet for everyone else), and my camera decided to die, but it was worth it for quality time with Winnie, Tigger, Mary Poppins, the Mad Hatter (or the Silly Guy as Shep says), and Alice. We rounded out the morning with a trip to the splash park, then after nap headed to the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique for Frances's favorite part of the week. Frances became Princess Frances and Barnes became Knight Barnes, and even Shep got a sword and shield.

Despite a rainy start, our last day at Animal Kingdom turned out pretty perfect. A final lunch with the main mouse, a scavenger hunt to find our Lion Guard friends, dancing with Rafiki, being sung about while in line to meet the Chipmunks, and some goat brushing rounded out our trip quite well.

Disney World, thanks for such a fun week. I love hearing the three big kids relive the magic and pretend to be the characters. I have a feeling we'll be back!

shep shep

This child got attacked by an automatic soap dispenser today. My Shepherd. There's something incredibly special about this boy. He brings joy and renewed life to everyone he meets. From the moment we learned of his existence, he's been spreading indescribable joy. You see, he was conceived in the direct aftermath of a failed IVF cycle, a cycle that left my soul bruised and aching. He has brought a unique light to our family each day of his life. His personality is huge, and his capacity for love is even bigger. On this Holy Week, his sweet smile is one of my favorite reminders of God with us, even in our dark places.

(taken from instagram a couple weeks ago)

a resurrection story

He is risen, indeed!

As our family celebrates Easter this year, the Resurrection seems extra close to our hearts. Jesus died, going to our darkest place, the place that we as humans most fear. He willingly passed into emptiness, solitude, agony, pain, and even the grave itself. But the story didn't end there, of course. Today we celebrate His rising, and with it all the hope He restored to our broken world.

My mother-in-law, Anne, has had a hell of a year. Since last July, she has endured grueling chemo, radiation, pancreatitis, and a crazy surgery. But by the grace of God and through the miracle of medicine and an early diagnosis, she has come out on the other side. She has been declared cancer-free, something we were all afraid we would never hear. This year she has been to dark places. She has faced pain, loneliness, fear, confusion...emotions I cannot even imagine. But the beauty of Easter holds true. Jesus himself went to those dark places. When we travel these roads, we can take comfort in the fact that he, in human form, traveled them before us. And more importantly, we can rest in his Resurrection, for no matter what the end of our path looks like, God has redeemed us and shown us the magnitude of his love for us through His Son's rising. Because of the Resurrection, our hope is real.

While we celebrate Christ's Resurrection, I am also celebrating Anne's own personal resurrection. Anne is a fabulous grandmother--she is very active and hands-on with our children, and they adore playing with her. Since July, though, it's been tough. We've had to tell them she is sick, temper their expectations. She has had to miss outings, watch from afar. But this weekend, the spark has returned. We haven't had to remind them that Gigi is sick even once. She has rallied for the egg hunt and the crafts and the play time. She has sat with them at every meal, watched them perform countless shows, helped them dye eggs. She's read books and kissed booboos. While she certainly isn't back to 100%, and while we may have completely worn her out, I know our kids are leaving with the sense that Gigi is well again. And my heart is so full.

He is risen, indeed.

the whole Shafer crew

Easter morning 2016

my set of shafers

to frances

While finally organizing our master bedroom, I found these:

Long-closed vestiges of my former life. A life lived in high-heels and business attire that came with a bit of glamour (see above) and a dose of drudgery (see long days and nights, billable hours, working on holidays). While I've chosen to walk away from that world for now, I am constantly searching for ways to remind my sweet daughter that a woman's place isn't only in the home.

If you ask Frances what she wants to be when she grows up, she usually says a mom. Which is awesome. And flattering. And hopefully will come true. I hope that one day she finds a wonderful partner and that, if they so choose, they are able to start a family of their own. But I worry that seeing me as "just a mom" sometimes taints her views of what women can achieve.

The concept of having it all is tricky. I believe we can, as both men and women, "have it all" in the sense of career and family and faith and voluntarism and all the other goals we have. I don't, however, believe we can always have it all at the same time. We make choices, hard choices, and change our priorities depending on our life stage. So yes, for now Frances sees me as "just a mom." But as she has gotten older, she has begun to understand that even her "just mom" works a bit from home. That other moms work full-time while their little ones are in school. She is surrounded by so many amazing examples of how to be a woman. She knows that Virginia's mom is a lawyer, that Emmylou's mom makes beautiful music. She knows that Aunt Christina stays home with her kids, while Aunt Bec teaches other little kids.

When I first asked Frances whether a woman could be president, she immediately said no. Needless to say, we've had some discussions since then, and she now proudly proclaims that a woman can be president as well as anything else...that girls can be anything boys can be. Oh sweet girl, hold on to that truth. Hold tightly to the truth that you can achieve your dreams. And I'll hold on to these fabulous shoes for you.