a set of shafers

6 months

2012-02-24T15:01:00.001-05:00

Happy 1/2 Birthday, Barnes & Frances!

10 things we love

2012-02-23T12:13:00.003-05:00

In the past 26 weeks, we have found some products that we absolutely love. Some are items we expected to be useful, and some took us by surprise. Here are the top 10 Shafer family must haves:

B with his O-Ball

1. O-Balls: These funny looking toys are a hands-down favorite in our home. They were the first thing B&F could grasp, and have continued to be the twins' toy of choice.

2. Soothies: Though they may not be the cutest pacifiers, soothies have magical powers. Seriously.

3. Pampers Swaddlers: We have tried other diapers, and these are the best by far. They are soft and absorbent, and seem to keep "things" under control.

4. Free Nipples from the NICU: When we left the NICU, we were sent home with a bag full of nipples. Cheap, brandless nipples. We have tried the fancy stuff, but have always come back to these. B&F love them...they are the perfect flow speed and seem to be as good as anything at keeping gas away. Thanks, NICU!

5. Ameda Hospital Grade Pump: If you ever have to exclusively pump, you must rent one of these. It looks a little scary, but trust me--it gets the job done.

6. Dishwasher: This is Andrew's addition to the list. We run a full dishwasher every night, and we are oh so thankful for this appliance. Yes, we have practically killed the one we have (it now has two bowls under it to catch drips), but it's still chugging along. I cannot imagine washing all those bottles by hand.

7. Sound Machine: When B&F first left the NICU, they slept to country music cranked up loud. Thankfully, we slowly weaned them down to just the sound machine. Now they nap at the beach and sleep in the rain. This genius little machine allows us to carry on with our normal activities without waking our little ones.

8. Onesies: B&F love to be naked. Unfortunately, taking your children out in public naked is frowned upon. We love onesies around here. B&F get to keep their legs free of clothing, yet no one calls DCS to report undressed children.

9. Video Monitor: We weren't sure whether we really needed a video monitor, but now we love it. Being able to see which twin is stirring--and more importantly, whether they are waking the other twin with their antics--is priceless.

10. Sophie the Giraffe: Y'all...this may be the most overpriced toy ever, but babies truly love it. B is especially enamored with sweet Sophie. And what's cuter than a little one chewing on a rubber giraffe leg?

Note: I am not getting paid to endorse any of these products. If you would like to pay me to endorse your product, however, I would be happy to. I am not one of those people who are "not for sell." The twins are always open to sponsorship opportunities!

the one in eight

2012-02-16T21:58:00.003-05:00

Any authentic relationship has its ups and downs. Where there is real love between two people, whether it be friendly, familial, or romantic, there will also sometimes be less than warm feelings. Feelings of anger, mistrust, jealousy. I believe the same is true with God.

So often, we talk about our "relationship" with God. If that's truly what we have, a relationship with our Maker, then shouldn't it be okay for that relationship to look similar to our other relationships? Shouldn't we expect our divine relationship to go through cycles of bliss and bitterness, just as our earthly ones do? After all, how strong is a friendship never tested? How deep, then, is a faith never questioned?

For the past several weeks, I have been quite angry with God. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. While Andrew and I struggled for a child, I prayed that I would be that one--the only one--within my circle of friends. I hoped that none of my friends would become acquainted with the longing that had taken up residency in my heart. Apparently God was not listening. This January, three of my friends underwent various forms of infertility treatments, ranging from IVF to initial IUIs. It's February now, and none of the three are pregnant. Zero. WTF, God?!?! My heart breaks for these women, these couples. I know the pain of a failed cycle--the frustration that your time and energy were just "wasted," the questions about where to go next. Sometimes I think Andrew and I are terrible poster children for infertility. People look at us and think, "IVF worked the first time for them, and they got TWO babies. See, you can always get pregnant if you really try." What people fail to remember are all the failed cycles--the drugs that didn't result in pregnancies, and worse, the pregnancies that didn't result in a baby in our arms. Despite our ultimately positive outcome, infertility is terrible...even remembering that dark time in our life makes me feel literally, physically ill.

What's the point of this rambling post? To encourage women struggling to get to their child. It's a miserable struggle, and there is no way around that. Allow yourself to be angry...with God, with the stupid needle you have to stick in your stomach, with the girl who just "accidentally" got pregnant with her fourth child. There will be days when you just need to sit in your car and cry. Do it. Feel those feelings, and don't beat yourself up over them, because every woman in your position has been there. Every infertile has made up an excuse to not go to a baby shower, or blocked a facebook friend who just cannot stop posting belly pics. You don't mean these lovely fertiles any harm, but never feel like you have to torture yourself. Self preservation is okay.

But amid these difficult days, there will also be wonderful ones. Days where you forget about ovulation predictor kits and two week waits. Days when you feel happy and content and at peace with the world. Let yourself feel those feelings, too. After our miscarriages, I found myself feeling guilty about these happy days, like I was somehow disrespecting the children we lost. Please know that feeling happy and peaceful is always a good thing. I believe God gives us these "days off" to sustain us.

I wish I could tell you how your story would end. I wish I could guarantee that you would soon be cradling your biological child. As anyone who has stepped through an RE's door knows, however, that is a promise no one can make. What I can promise you, though, is that if/when you do have a child one day, however that happens, you will have an amazing appreciation for that little one. You will know every detail that had to come together for that baby to get to you. You will look into his or her face and remember the months of determination that brought your family together. While you won't love your baby more than your fertile friends love their children, you will more deeply appreciate the miracle it represents. For all your struggles, parenthood will be that much sweeter.

happy heart day

2012-02-14T08:42:00.003-05:00

In June 2010, my sister and I met for a long weekend in Ireland. During those three short days, I fell in love with Dublin. It was beautiful and friendly, and there were so many treasures waiting to be discovered. One such treasure rested at the Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church.

This sweet place, which looks less than special from the outside, is home to some of the relics of St. Valentine. St. Valentine is an interesting "character." Little is known about St. Valentine, and many believe that there were in fact several St. Valentines. What is agreed upon, though, is that he was martyred in ancient Rome for his role in the Church.

As I knelt before his relics, I could not have cared less who he was. I prayed the prayer that was becoming my mantra. I asked St. Valentine, whoever he was, to pray for me. To pray that I would get pregnant. To pray that Andrew and I would know the joy of becoming parents. To pray for peace and perseverance on our journey. And I believe he did. His prayers joined those of our family, our friends, and ourselves, as he pleaded with our Lord to grant our request. And just to remind us that he was on our team, St. Valentine made February 14, 2011 extra special. On that day, we heard both of our children's heartbeats for the first time...the sweetest sound imaginable.

Happy heart day!

what's cuter than a laughing baby?

2012-02-11T08:51:00.004-05:00

Two laughing babies!

shenanigans

2012-02-09T14:22:00.003-05:00

Sweet little B is growing up all too fast, and we are starting to see glimpses into the toddler he will become. Plenty of people have commented that he often looks mischievous in his photos, and I fear he may live up to these expectations. He has officially mastered rolling both ways (back to belly/belly to back). We are so proud of his accomplishment, but it's brought a whole new challenge to naptime. Almost every time I put him down, I see this on the monitor just a few moments later:

I snapped this picture the first time he rolled onto his belly in his crib. He was staring across the room at Frances here, and I'm pretty sure he was trying to talk her into playing instead of sleeping.

He is also finding ways to mobilize his adorable little body. This week while I was pumping, Andrew yelled down the hall that B was crawling. While his proud dad was exaggerating a bit, B can scoot around now. It's hard to explain...he isn't really doing the army crawl yet, but he manages to travel a few feet when he wants to. We're pretty sure he missed the memo that he is a preemie and is supposed to be a little behind developmentally.

And for his final shenanigan this week...we toured a few mother's day out programs yesterday with the hopes of starting one in the fall. B has never been shy. When we walked into the office of the program we really love, though, he took one look at the director and started sobbing. And this wasn't just a little whimper, it was a true, sad cry. Stranger anxiety starting at 5.5 months? Apparently it can happen, and trust me when I say it did.

Sweet little B, we love you and think you are too much fun...but we have our eye on you!

praise God...and google

2012-02-05T21:01:00.003-05:00

How did people parent before google? I have seriously pondered this multiple times since August 24th. How many ounces should a five month old eat? Why does my baby scream in his sleep? What is the best rice cereal for starting solids? Where can I find coordinating boy/girl outfits? Google has wonderful answers to each of these queries.

In all seriousness, though, google recently changed our lives. B's sweet, smiley self had been replaced with an angry elf. He screamed, writhed in pain, and spit up 15+ times per day. Something was clearly wrong. We consulted our pediatrician, but they repeatedly blamed his behavior on his reflux. Having dealt with reflux since our preemies were born, our gut told us this was something more. Enter google. When I began researching milk protein (whey) allergies, I found myself reading our story over and over again. Babies exhibiting the same symptoms as B found relief in a dairy free diet. Although our pediatrician disagreed, we decided to give it a try...and we are so, so glad we did. Since changing B to a hypoallergenic formula and cutting all whey from my diet, his sunny personality has returned. He still fusses sometimes, of course, but the screaming and throwing up have all but vanished.

Our pediatrician believes that this is just a senstivity that he will outgrow, and not a true allergy. We will hopefully be able to reintroduce dairy at some point (although me eating a nutrigrain bar with just a small amount of whey recently sent him into a tailspin). Until then, we will continue to trust our gut, and in times of doubt, turn to google.

sunday funday

2012-01-29T21:15:00.002-05:00

check your complaints at the door

2012-01-28T21:06:00.004-05:00

When you walk into a reproductive endocrinologist's office for the first time, they take your insurance card, your medical history, and your right to complain about being a parent. If they forget at that initial visit, it's inevitable that at some point over the course of your treatment, you will promise the powers that be that if you are ever able to have a child, you will be thankful for each moment and never, ever complain.

I love Barnes and Frances. I am thankful for them each day, and I feel incredibly blessed to be experiencing the unique miracle of twins. But...raising multiples is hard. Really hard. Tonight, for instance, Andrew was at a wedding and the twins decided to stage a revolt. From 3:00 until bedtime, Frances cried. Her crying agitated Barnes, and the only thing that soothed them was if I held them both and walked around. I consider myself to be moderately strong, but I cannot bounce two babies for over three hours. Thus, they cried. And over and over I had to choose a twin to soothe. Then came their bedtime bottle. Barnes wanted to eat, and Frances wanted to scream. Again, I had to choose whether to let Barnes eat and let Frances cry, or soothe Frances and make Barnes cry. That's the hardest part...feeling like I'm constantly choosing a baby.

It's difficult for me to admit how hard twins can sometimes be. Like other infertiles, I worry that if I complain, I will somehow jinx myself and never have another child. Even more so, I think about the couples who would give anything to have a child to "complain" about. But as I record my memories, trying to capture both the milestones and the mundane, I strive to be honest. Honest about it all...the picture perfect moments as well as the meltdowns. And today was a meltdown kind of day.

toot, toot

2012-01-24T14:21:00.006-05:00

What's that sound? It's me tooting my own horn, of course. As women, we are hesitant to do this...we deflect compliments, and we almost never call attention to our own accomplishments. But today, I am proud of me. Today B&F are 5 months old, and they are STILL getting more breast milk than formula each day. At 5 months, they remain on a majority mommy milk diet!*

Once I realized that every drop of breast milk they received would be pumped, I never thought I would make it this far. I wanted to quit at 6 weeks, I really wanted to quit at 2 and then 3 months, then the big goal became 4 months. With Andrew's support and the new addition of a few hours of babysitters each week, though, I have made it far beyond my expectations. Now the ultimate goal--6 months--is only 31 days away. While I'm not sure what the ratio will be, I feel confident that I can continue to give them at least some of the good stuff until then.

Five Month Baby Stats:

Both are rolling from belly to back, and both roll from their back to their side.
B eats 6 ounces 6 times a day; F eats 5 ounces 6 times a day (but she rarely finishes her whole bottle).
B is now dairy free, and is a much happier baby since making this transition. Mommy misses her cheese and ice cream, though.
Both are laughing out loud.
Both can hold themselves up on their arms during tummy time.
Neither has a tooth yet, though F's teeth still appear to be closer to popping through.
Both are superstar sleepers. They go to bed (in their cribs) around 6:45 pm and usually sleep until sometime between 4:00 and 6:00 am. Of course they still have rough nights, but overall we are very lucky.
Both are now on a three nap a day schedule, and they take their naps together. Nap training over the past two weeks made our household much more manageable!
Both are enjoying toys more and more. B may be slightly more interested at this point, but it's sometimes hard to tell.
F is obsessed with her paci. B still takes it at night and nap times, but otherwise prefers his hand.
They are both drooling machines! B goes through about three bibs a day.
Both are getting cuter and more fun each day! We are so, so blessed!!!

Just look at those adorable rolls on my sweet babies' legs...we've come quite a long way from 3lb. 13 oz. and 4 lb. 15 oz!

*Note: This in no way makes me a better mom than someone who gives their baby all formula from the very beginning. We all have to do what works best for our family.

choosing kindness

2012-01-19T14:10:00.004-05:00

We're almost three weeks into the new year, but I believe it's never too late to think about your resolutions. In 2012, I resolve to choose kindness. Being kind is not something you are or something you aren't, it's something you choose (much like love in my opinion, but that's a topic for another day). So this year, I will attempt to choose kindness as often as possible.

You may be thinking that being kind shouldn't require a resolution, and you are correct. Being kind should be our natural response. Too often for me, though, things like frustration, annoyance, and lack of time and patience get in the way of kindness. As we were showered with kindness over the past 18 months, I realized how often I have failed in this department.

In the midst of our miscarriages, numerous people showed us great love. I clung to the notes and encouragement I received from sweet friends. During our pregnancy, we were literally bombarded with kindness. I have never experienced such generosity in my life, as we received cards, sweet words, and so many gifts which allowed us to prepare our home for B&F. After B&F arrived, the cards and gifts continued flowing and delicious meals began arriving at our home. So many people gave us their time and energy, providing dinners so that Andrew and I had one less thing to worry about. I could have never imagined the innumerable acts of kindness we would encounter in the process of welcoming our son and daughter.*

During my pregnancy and the birth of our twins, I realized just how much a simple act of kindness can mean. A little note, an encouraging email, can truly make a difference in someone's day. So this year, I am hoping to begin repaying the debt of kindness we now owe. From realizing when a friend needs a little extra love to making sure I say thank you and make eye contact each time a server refills my beverage, there are so many opportunities each day to choose kindness. This year I want to look for these opportunities, to find ways to make other people's days a little better. Will I do it perfectly? No. Will I still respond with frustration, will I still be impatient? Of course. But I still choose to try.

*If you were a giver of any of these things and have not yet received a thank you note, please know that we are extremely grateful for you, and that I promise to finish all of our notes soon!

hello little embryos...

2012-01-16T12:39:00.005-05:00

One year...I have had my precious babies with me every day now for one whole year. At 8:55 a.m. on January 16th of last year, I got pregnant. No, it wasn't the most traditional way to get pregnant, but it was beautiful nonetheless. I held Andrew's hand while we stared, transfixed, at the ultrasound screen. I cried as I watched two tiny new lives make their way into my body. I was encouraged by the sweet words and kindness of our doctor and embryologist. I prayed more fervently than ever before that I would get to meet these children in 9 months. And my prayers were answered.

Babies' First Pictures- January 16, 2011

January 16, 2012

our fighters

2012-01-10T20:59:00.004-05:00

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Our dearest Barnes & Frances,

This day was most certainly made by our sweet Lord. This is a day full of hope...hope for the future and hope fulfilled. On this day one year ago, your miraculous lives began.

On January 11, 2011, the best parts of mommy and the best parts of daddy came together, marking the beginning of your journey. On that day you were just two cells--two tiny cells. But even as two cells you were fighters. You fought so hard to grow, to survive and get the chance to be reunited with us. When we met you a few days later, you were already so beautiful and strong. Then you fought as you tried to make a home inside mommy. When we found out that you had won that fight, we were indescribably elated. You fought through 34 weeks of pregnancy...through pre-term contractions and other scares...and you won again. Finally, when you were born, you fought to be healthy. You worked so hard, learning to breath, learning to eat, learning to keep yourself warm. This time we could watch your work, and we were so proud of all you accomplished in such a short time. At last, all your fighting paid off, and we were able to take you home and begin life as a family of four.

B&F, you are truly the strongest people that your dad and I have ever known. You amaze us each day. We are not worthy of the privilege of being your parents, but we are so grateful to get the opportunity to be your mom and dad.

Thank you for fighting so much over the last year. We promise to fight for you every day for the rest of your lives.

We love you more than you can possibly know,

Mom & Dad

toys, teeth, and tummy time

2012-01-07T20:59:00.004-05:00

My friends, these twins are changing more quickly than I can possibly explain. They may still be small in stature, with Frances checking in at 10 lbs. 3 oz. (less than 1st percentile) and Barnes coming in larger at 13 lbs. 6 oz. (16th percentile), but they are certainly not small in personality. Both have recently discovered toys...they stare at them, try to grab them, and lick them like it's Thanksgiving dinner. They are both holding their heads up like champs--we look much less wobbly these days. They both smile, laugh, and love to play games with mom & dad.

Our petite princess is quite the kicking queen. "Kick, kick, kick" is her favorite game, and luckily it can be played anywhere. Her favorite venue, though, is in her crib wearing nothing but a diaper. Get this girl naked and she will kick like crazy. Precious! While she loves practicing her kicks, she is less excited about the two white things creeping through her bottom gums. Yes, our little ten pounder has teeth trying to peek through. The white dots on the corners are visible, and the rest could come through any day now. She is not enjoying teething one bit. Despite the teething, Frances is still such a sweet, calm little one, and her soft laugh is truly enchanting.

Sweet Barnes has been operating on two modes lately--super happy or super grumpy. We are attempting to minimize his grumpy mode with some dietary changes, but when happy Barnes makes an appearance it more than makes up for his alter ego. When B is happy, he is not just happy...he is giddy. He smiles, laughs, and squeals up a storm. He is so much fun to play with that it's impossible to get anything done; you simply cannot pull yourself away from his sweetness. In addition to being charming, B has been mastering (sort of) new skills. From 4 weeks to 8 weeks both babies rolled from belly to back all the time, but then abruptly stopped. As of Friday Barnes re-learned his rolling, and now he won't stay on his tummy for anytime at all (although when he is on his tummy he has learned to prop himself up on his arms, which is adorable). He is so proud of his rolling that he has almost figured out the back to belly roll as well.

Thanks for continuing to follow our story. We are so enthralled with these little ones, and we are honored to share their milestones with our family and friends!

Drooling is our new favorite....see...

looking back

2012-01-04T22:11:00.002-05:00

I've always been open about our use of IVF. I have not, however, ever really discussed the details of our IVF cycle. Despite the clear success in the form of our son & daughter, our cycle was not pretty. Not at all. From the first ultrasound, I was convinced we were doomed.

First, a mini science lesson. Eggs (which are of course necessary for pregnancy) mature inside and are released from follicles. During a typical month, a woman will have one dominant follicle, which is how a normal woman gets pregnant. During IVF, a woman takes drugs to create many, many follicles. The goal is to retrieve lots of mature eggs so that they can be fertilized, so that hopefully a healthy embryo (or two) can grow and then be transferred back to the woman's uterus and given a chance to implant. Not all eggs retrieved will be mature, not all will fertilize, and even of the ones that fertilize most will usually not grow and survive as needed. The more eggs you get, then, the more chances you have to actually have a baby.

When we started IVF, I was only 27 years old. Other women around my age said they had 20 plus eggs retrieved. Though I had lost three babies, I had always responded well to meds and had no reason to think I had "egg problems," so I was expecting similar results. Lots of eggs, meaning lots of chances for our healthy baby. On January 3, 2010, that expectation came to a grinding halt. One of my ovaries showed only one sizable follicle, and the other showed around 5 or 6. Although I had several more days of shots ahead, I knew that my dream of a high number wouldn't be coming true. My doctor told me to expect around 10. 10 eggs. I had read that no more than half would fertilize, then no more than half of those would grow healthily. I was devastated with these odds. In the journal that I was keeping at the time, I wrote that I thought we wouldn't even make it to transfer...that we would have no little embryos to put into my womb.

My doctor and Andrew stayed positive, making "quality over quantity" our mantra. I cannot tell you how many times Andrew said this, but I can tell you that I wanted to throw things at his head an equal number of times. As often happens in our home, though, Andrew was right. I may not have had many eggs, but the ones I had were clearly top-shelf.

sick mommy= sad mommy

2012-01-02T14:18:00.004-05:00

I've been so concerned with protecting the twins this winter that I overlooked one minor detail...mommy can get sick, too. Saturday evening I came down with quite the cold, and then yesterday a stomach bug hit. Taking care of twins anytime can be difficult, but taking care of twins while sick is H-A-R-D. Luckily, Andrew is the best dad and has been super-involved with every aspect of twin-care from the beginning, so he is pulling single dad duty today. You all probably get tired of hearing this, but I am so blessed to have him as my partner in this adventure!

So yes, I feel pretty terrible right now. The worst part, though, is the self-imposed distance from my precious babies. I am aching to cuddle them in my arms and kiss their sweet heads, to make goofy faces at them and watch their smiles light up the room. I know it's for the best that I stay away...the last thing we want is for our precious preemies to get a stomach bug. But I will never be so relieved to get well and get back to my babies.

a happier new year

2011-12-31T17:54:00.004-05:00

Isn't it incredible how much life can change in just one little year? On the last day of 2010, I gave myself my first two shots and thus began my IVF cycle. Today, on the last day of 2011, I am holding my baby boy while he squiggles and squirms, and I can hear his sister crying in the background.

We started our interesting journey to our twins exactly one year ago today. 2010 was not our best year. In fact, I had never been happier to see a year go. New Year's Eve 2010 saw us with a guest bed packed with medicine and syringes, neatly organized and awaiting their "turn," and hearts filled with excitement, hope, and fear. We knew that IVF was our best chance to have biological children, and we had great hope that we would finally meet our little one(s) in 2011. We also knew, though, that IVF is in no way a guarantee, and that the process we were investing so much into both emotionally and financially could leave us empty-handed. Despite our fears, we jumped in with both feet on December 31, 2010. The girl who once fainted at a flu shot injected meds into her own belly, and off we went. One year later, we are oh so thankful that we took that leap of faith.

Because we did the January IVF cycle, this next month is full of milestones for us and our little ones. Bear with me while I reminisce a bit over the next few weeks...though it may not be interesting to everyone, these are days that will forever be celebrated in the Shafer home.

Happy New Year from our family to yours! May 2012 bring you as many blessings as 2011 brought us.

New Year's Eve 2010

New Year's Eve 2011

Merry Christmas to all...

2011-12-25T23:05:00.003-05:00

We are too worn out for a full post, but I wanted to wish each of you a Merry, Merry Christmas before this day is over. We hope each of you had a magical day rejoicing in the birth of our Lord! Thanks to our own little miracles, celebrating the miracle of the Christ Child has never been sweeter.

Frances is not too excited about Jesus's birthday cake

goodies from Santa

a little vacation

2011-12-22T21:24:00.002-05:00

Andrew has officially given me the best Christmas gift ever...help. From today until January 2nd, Andrew will be home with us and we will be able to double team these crazy babies. I absolutely adore our time as a family of four! We have so much fun playing with the babies together, and when there are four adult hands around we both have more opportunity to sit back and enjoy our tiny gifts. Moms never really get "time off," but this is about as close as I am going to get anytime soon. Merry Christmas to me!

don't you wonder what they are thinking...

2011-12-17T17:58:00.003-05:00

B: What's with this fat guy in the red suit?
F: It's Santa! Mom says he's going to bring us toys.

B: I hope he brings me more bottles!

F: I better put a bow on...people keep asking if I'm a boy, and I really want girl toys.

F: I can't wait until Christmas morning. I'm sure I made the nice list.
B: Uh oh--is there a naughty list?

16 weeks

2011-12-15T10:00:00.002-05:00

We marked 16 weeks with our sweet twins yesterday, and they are getting more and more adorable by the day. Barnes is incredibly interactive now. He laughs and smiles and loves to play. When you do something repeatedly, he can anticipate it and gets excited. Frances is our curious baby. She watches everything going on around her and never wants to miss anything. She loves lights and movement, and was therefore fascinated by her first UT basketball game.

Despite their adorableness, life with twins seems to be getting more difficult for me (mom). Since Thanksgiving, B has wanted to be held all the time. With one baby that might be cute...with two, it's impossible. As they get older and more alert, they require more attention. This leaves less time for the tasks required for caring for them.

The biggest time conflict is pumping. While I am proud to say that they are still getting only one bottle of formula per day, I'm not sure how much longer their almost all breastmilk diet will last. When the babies want to be held, played with, rocked, or otherwise interact, I can't hook up to a machine. I've heard about so many supermoms who pumped for 6 months, 8 months, 10 months...then I remind myself that all of these women had one infant. That's half the milk and half the babies. I am not supermom, and I am outnumbered by my babies. Sometimes I just can't make it all work.

My big goal is 4 months (Christmas Eve), which is almost here. After that, I'm trying to give myself permission to pump less and play more. I'm not going to completely give up, just cut back a bit. I think this will lead to better days for everyone involved.

*Special thanks to Aunt Lacy for our adorable hats!*

this is pretty much our life...

2011-12-12T11:14:00.000-05:00

occupy greatcoat

2011-12-09T22:13:00.002-05:00

The twins officially staged a protest this week. Since they came home, they have been sleeping on each side of our bed in rock-n-play sleepers (which I highly recommend). These little sleepers are inclined and small, which I'm sure makes them feel nice and cozy. Since about 13 weeks, they have been sleeping really well, usually going for a 6 to 8 hour stretch between feedings (with a few cries for lost pacifiers). Because they were starting to sleep through the night, we decided it was time to move them to their own room. Our plan was to transition them to their cribs the week after Thanksgiving, but the move was delayed due to their colds. The date was reset for this past Sunday.

Sunday night we put them down in their sweet cribs, and by the time Andrew and I got ready to go to bed ourselves the twins were already stirring. Andrew spent most of that night on the floor of the nursery. The next night was even worse...we took turns on nursery floor duty, and Frances basically refused to sleep at all. Tuesday night was more of the same, and on Wednesday they both ended up in our room fairly quickly. So after four of the more difficult nights of their little lives, Andrew and I gave in and put them back in their rock-n-plays. They had their last bottle around 8:00, went down at 8:30, and didn't eat again until 6:30 a.m. Ten hours! Sure, we had to stick their pacifiers in their mouths a few times, but for the most part they slept for 10 hours. What's more, after their morning bottle they both went back to sleep until around 8:30 a.m. (Barnes)/ 9:30 a.m. Frances.

I think these twins may be smarter than we think. It's as if they were trying to prove how good they would be if only we would let them stay in our room. So where are they tonight? In their rock-n-plays next to our bed, of course. In a few weeks we will try the cribs again, and eventually they will sleep in their rooms. For now, though, our sweet twins will continue to occupy our bedroom.

6 years...

2011-12-03T21:45:00.003-05:00

Two posts in one day is a little much, but today is special. Six years ago this evening, Andrew got down on his knee in front of Ayres Hall and asked me to be his wife. It was a night that changed the course of my life forever, and was really the beginning of our journey as a family. Thank you, Andrew, for loving me in spite of my flaws. Our lives have changed tremendously over the past six years...I cannot wait to see where we land in six more!

December 3, 2005

December 3, 2011

children of God

2011-12-03T11:44:00.007-05:00

What a beautiful day last Saturday was! On a gorgeous, sunny afternoon, we were surrounded by family and friends as our priest baptized our precious twins. Barnes and Frances are God's children...we are simply tasked with the privilege of being their parents in this world. Their baptism was a beautiful reminder that our babies belong to their Heavenly Father. We are so thankful to know that Jesus loves Barnes and Frances, that He has loved them perfectly and will continue to cherish them for eternity.

A special thank you to everyone who celebrated with us and helped make the twins' day so wonderful! A very, very special thank you to Kandi McMahan for using her time and talent to capture beautiful images of our celebration! The pictures were so precious that it was extremely difficult to pick a few to share.

the first cold

2011-11-29T09:46:00.003-05:00

Our sweet little twins officially have their first cold. They are grumpy, not sleeping great, and don't understand why they feel less than stellar. I want so badly to make them feel better, but there is little I can do.

Although an eventual cold was inevitable, it still breaks my heart a little. Hearing their labored breathing brings back all too recent memories of a time when they couldn't breathe on their own. The rattling I hear when they try to sleep or eat is too reminiscent of the respirator and cannula they required after their birth.

As with any baby, all they want when they feel poopy is to be cuddled and comforted. Unfortunately, it's difficult to properly cuddle more than one of the them at a time. I feel like I am constantly choosing a baby to cater too, yet not giving my full attention to either. Juggling sick multiples is a challenge, and we are working to find our footing in this new territory.

Seeing my precious ones so unhappy has totally reinforced my germ-phobia. Up until this past weekend, I have been a germ drill sargent. I have strictly enforced rules regarding hand washing and kid visitors, and I have accordingly encountered more than a few snide remarks. Now I can see that protecting my little ones is totally worth any ire directed my way. So we're breaking out the hand sanitizer and reinstating the "please don't let your kids touch the babies" rule (per our pulmonologist's recommendation), and hoping for healthy babies soon.

giving thanks

2011-11-27T23:20:00.006-05:00

This has been such a joyful weekend in our home that it will require two posts to cover it all. First, Thanksgiving...

I've never been short on things for which to give thanks, but this year my cup truly runneth over. My two little turkeys have filled my heart and my arms with a new love. I am so grateful to borrow these precious blessings from God, to have the privilege of being their mommy here on earth. Equally, I am grateful to share this amazing adventure with Andrew. When it comes to spouses, I won the lottery. Watching Andrew be a dad to our twins makes my love for him grow daily.

Life with twins is difficult. Between the adorable snapshots in matching turkey onesies are double meltdowns, spit up stains, and sleep deprived parents. I have never, however, been more thankful for the path my life has taken. God is so good, and He has blessed our family in ways we could have never imagined! We are so thankful this Thanksgiving, and we look forward to celebrating many more with Barnes and Frances.

Our first Thanksgiving as a family of four (well, really six).

Our whole family (minus Sister Gloria Christi) at the Christmas Market on the day after Thanksgiving. We were so lucky to have everyone together!

measures of success

2011-11-21T22:17:00.003-05:00

I'm a bit of a freak...I love grades, test scores, items checked off a to-do list. I love tangible measures of success. I have always thrived on being rewarded for a job well done. You don't get a report card, however, for being a mom. No one puts a gold star by your name. So how do you measure success? In the years to come, how will I know if I've done an okay job at this most important role?

For me, my success (or failure) as a parent will be determined by how Barnes and Frances treat others. My great hope is that my children treat each person they encounter well. I pray that they respect others, including those who act or believe differently from them, and that they stand firm for equality. I hope they find joy in serving others and that they are always generous with their time, talent and treasure. I hope they radiate kindness, and that their lives cultivate kindness in others.

Do not misunderstand me...first and foremost I hope that Barnes and Frances grow to know the love of Jesus. But is there really a difference? If my little ones love the Lord, will they not also love others?

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40

help!

2011-11-16T14:02:00.002-05:00

I am trying to catch up on B & F's baby books, and I need a little assistance. I am not cool. Any delusion I had that I was still cool has gone out the window in the last 12 weeks. So rather than just write my own lame answers on the "the world around me" page, I thought I would ask my dear bloggie friends for some advice. Here are the categories:

hit movies and popular actors

favorite tv shows

popular songs and musicians (other than DH&N, of course)

best-selling books

fashion trends (Mollie, I'm counting on you here)

famous sports figures

technological advances

All input is greatly appreciated!

bumble

2011-11-14T13:04:00.002-05:00

Do you ever hear parents use a nickname for their child and wonder how in the heck they came up with that? Well, I'm not sure if it's the sleep deprived connections his brain is currently making, but Andrew has started calling Barnes "Bumble." Yes, bumble, like a bee. And maybe it's because of my equally limited sanity, but I think it's adorable.

Andrew and I both felt strongly that we wanted to name our children what they would be called. Barnes and Frances will always be Barnes and Frances to us. But nicknames have inevitably started to creep in. Frances gets a "Frannie" or a "Frannie-kins" every once in a while, and we very often refer to Barnes as "B." From B, Andrew began using Bumble Bee, and he has now shortened it to just Bumble. Bumble is an appropriate nickname for a few reasons...first because it's adorable, just like our little B. Second, B tends to "bumble" around a bit more than his sister.

So today my little B is dressed in his yellow onesie, ready to bumble around on this dreary Monday. I just hope his buzzing takes sleep breaks today!

melting

2011-11-09T09:17:00.002-05:00

My heart is literally singing...my sweet baby girl has been smiling at me all morning! We have gotten a few smiles out of her brother, but she is our serious baby. She always seems to be pondering the meaning of life or concentrating on how best to fix our economy. This morning, though, she warmed my soul with smile after smile. And these were not just reflex smiles--they were full out, mouth open, responsive grins. Nothing is more beautiful than a happy baby!

an ugly little monster

2011-11-05T09:32:00.003-04:00

Mommy guilt is not a myth. It's real, and it plagues conscientious mothers everywhere. This week it has reared its ugly head in our home.

As I've mentioned before, my children will not nurse, so I pump several times a day to ensure that they get the best nutrition possible. Over the past few weeks, the twins' consumption has caught up to and sometimes surpassed my production. I found myself dipping into our frozen supply occassionally and feared that the end of exclusive breast milk was near.

On Tuesday we had our two-month check-up, and I discussed this situation with their pediatrician. Her recommendation? Begin supplementing with formula once a day now so that 1) their eventual transition to formula will be gradual and 2) we can stretch my breast milk out as long as possible so that the babies are still receiving primarily breast milk for many more weeks/months. So on Wednesday, their 10 week birthday, I prepared my first formula. For their goodnight bottle, each twin received 2 ounces of formula mixed with their milk. As I poured the powder in, I stood in my kitchen and cried. I had failed.

The crazy thing is that I have never been that obsessed with breastfeeding. Yes, I believe that breast milk is best, but I also know that children thrive on formula as well. Before the twins were born, I had taken it as a given that we would supplement their diet with formula. So why all the tears this week? Why the agony over beginning to replace approximately 1/12th of their diet with formula? Mommy guilt. An ugly, unwelcome visitor.

What I find ugliest about mommy guilt is that, too often, it is brought about and perpetuated by other mommies. Women have a natural tendency to compete, and nowhere is this more apparent than in child-rearing. Moms who chose natural labor scoff at moms who opted for pain medication. Moms who breastfed well past the recommended one-year are quick to tell their story, while moms for whom nursing didn't work out shyly linger in the corner. Moms whose children sat/walked/talked early boast of their little one's accomplishments, while moms who are worried that their sweet child might be a bit behind stay quiet. Moms who stay at home make working moms feel guilty; working moms make stay-at-home moms feel like they must prove their worth. Our best support network is unfortunately too often the source of our anxiety.

For the immediate future I will continue to pump as often as possible, but also continue to give the twins some formula each day. I will work through my formula guilt, supported by the women who have sweetly and honestly shared their own formula stories with me.

happy halloween!

2011-10-31T22:08:00.002-04:00

faithful provision

2011-10-31T10:05:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, for the first time, we took our little munchkins to mass. Andrew was doing the second reading, and it just felt like time. I was terribly nervous, mostly due to the germs they could be exposed to. We snuck in, sat in the back, and tried to avoid letting anyone touch the babes. Thankfully, it went off without a hitch. Andrew held Barnes and I held Frances for most of the service, and we were able to worship God together as a family unit...the way it was intended to be.

Over the past year, I've had my share of ups and downs with both my faith and the Catholic church, which I call home. When we couldn't maintain a pregnancy and seemed to be facing loss after loss, it was hard for me to sing of God's goodness. I felt like we were being punished, and I was angry that God was letting us go through such pain. As it became clear that our children would be conceived through IVF (if at all), my views on my church started to get more complicated. The Catholic church teaches that IVF is wrong, yet it also teaches the importance of family. Andrew and I prayed over our situation, spoke with authorities both in the church and in the medical field, and made the decision that we felt was right. We found our own peace within the contradiction of a Catholic doing IVF, though it was far from easy at times.

As I sat in the back row yesterday cuddling our daughter and catching glimpses of Andrew holding our son, I was overwhelmed by how God truly does provide. It often doesn't look the way we thought it would, and unfortunately there is no way to opt out of the hard times, but God's faithfulness is real. It is embodied by my loyal, loving husband who always looks for the bright side; by my precious twins; by a church family and priest who are a little different but more accepting than any other Catholic community I can imagine. Yesterday, as I received the Eucharist with Frances in my arms, I was flooded with thankfulness for God's faithful provision.

I can't say that I remember which songs were sung or exactly what the homily was about, but I know that I will always remember our first mass as a family.

life by the numbers....

2011-10-26T10:57:00.003-04:00

Our little miracles turned two months old on Monday, and life just continues to get more and more interesting. What are our lives like with two spunky two-month-olds? Here's a little peek into an average day:

40 bottles washed

12-14 bottles made

12-14 bottles fed

20 burping sessions

18-22 diapers changed

4-6 faces washed

3 pacifiers replaced (usually because Stella found one)

7 pumping sessions

pump supplies washed 8 times

4 nighttime feedings

2-4 times when both babies are screaming at the same time

2-6 spit ups cleaned

adult conversation- little to none

a million kisses stolen

more smiles and laughs than we ever thought possible (at least on most days....)

sunday funday

2011-10-23T11:58:00.006-04:00

We've had a fun, busy weekend, and we thought we'd share a few pictures with everyone to show what our little lives are filled with these days. Thanks for following our story!

Love-
Barnes & Frances

We had lots of playtime:

Sometimes we do the exact same thing at the exact same time and mom is reminded that we are twins.

We took pictures outside:

Dad took us on our first campus tour:

We went to another pumpkin patch...mom is really excited about Halloween:

Which one should we pick?

Check out my sticker!

We played in the laundry:

And now we're exhausted:

the big thaw...

2011-10-18T11:34:00.002-04:00

It happened yesterday. I knew it was coming, but I was saddened nonetheless. The babies officially outpaced me. The milk I pumped in 24 hours made 6 bottles each, and yesterday they took 7 each. This morning, I thawed some of our precious frozen milk to make the final bottle in this 24 hour period.

Despite my dread, I hastened this a bit. Until last weekend, the little ones were on a four hour feeding schedule. It was working so well, and it gave me time to get things accomplished between feedings. Recently, though, we noticed that they were starting to sometimes sleep more than four hours at a time. I am obsessed with them getting enough ounces/calories per day, so in anticipation of them sleeping longer stretches we are feeding them slightly more often (every 3-4 hours). This change upped our bottle consumption and pushed the little ones beyond my production. They are now eating around 48 ounces combined per day, and I'm producing around 42ish. Not quite enough.

It's incredible that they are eating so much and growing so well, but I wanted to sustain an exclusive breastmilk diet as long as possible. Now that we are starting to use our frozen supply, I'm not sure how much longer we will make it. I've been making very short-term pumping goals, and my most recent one was 2 months. Somehow that's only 6 days away! At least I know we can make it that far with nothing but mommy's milk!

night and day

2011-10-15T15:05:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite hyms is called City of God, and it begins as follows:

Awake from your slumber! Arise from your sleep!
A new day is dawning for all those who weep.
The people in darkness have seen a great light.
The Lord of our longing has conquered the night.

Let us build the city of God.
May our tears be turned into dancing.
For the Lord our light and our love has turned the night into day.

Lately, I've been meditating quite a bit on the nights and days of life, our periods of darkness and light. Staying home with twins is exhausting--sometimes I literally want to collapse by the time Andrew gets home in the evening. But this is my day...not just any day, but the brightest, sunniest day imaginable. What a difference a year can make.

On this weekend last year, I was in the midst of a gravely dark night. I had travelled with Andrew to Death Valley, California for a cycling event to raise money for juvenile diabetes research, and I found myself in the desert miscarrying our second child. Soon thereafter we had our third miscarriage and had to make hard decisions regarding our path to parenthood.

Later, despite being overjoyed with our pregnancy, I was still not basking in the daylight. Life was more like a foggy dawn...I knew that our children were on the horizon, yet I also knew the risks of multiples and that too many stories do not have happy endings. Then came the NICU, and even though I could gaze at our little ones, the sun seemed to be slipping away. I was more afraid than I ever let myself admit, and I became acquainted with the indescribable fear a parent has for a sick child. But now here I am, with two beautiful, healthy children. Sometimes I cannot believe this is my life.

Today, I was reminded of just how real a different ending to this story could have been. I am part of an infertility community online, and though I don't know these women in real life, I love them. They have been my cheerleaders and my confidantes, and they stuck with me even when I achieved the pregnancy that many of them had not. On Thursday, one of these women lost her twins at 20 weeks. One died during birth, the other lived for around 15 minutes. I feel so connected to this woman...she did IVF, she was having a boy and a girl, she was elated at the thought of raising these children. And now they are gone. I cannot imagine the night that she is in now. What separates us? Why did I get the happy ending, while she is living through hell? Why can't she make it to her day? Please join me in sending her our thoughts and prayers, lifting her up as she struggles through this night.

happy fall!

2011-10-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, we took the babies to the pumpkin patch for their first outing. In reality it was an oil change place about a mile from our house that was selling pumpkins, but Barnes and Frances didn't quite know the difference. We cannot wait until they are bigger and stronger so we can take them on more adventures!

baby days

2011-10-10T08:25:00.002-04:00

Everyone warns you that your children will change too quickly, but you can never really be prepared for just how true that is. Sometimes the days seem long, but the weeks pass before you know it and your one month old is suddenly closing in on the two month mark. Because of their special preemie status, our little ones have been in the newborn phase a little longer than most, but I know it won't last forever. Our lives can be a bit blurry right now, but I want to hang onto these days and remember the little things that made our two newborns so adorable.

I love how Frances holds her hands. When she eats she keeps them upside down, and when she's awake she looks like she's waiting for a manicure. She always stares at you while you are trying to burp her, which is pretty adorable. She is already so interested in her brother...she stares at him while they lie in the floor and scoots next to him when they are in the pack-n-play. She still can't fill out newborn clothes, but she has finally gotten a sweet little double chin. She often sleeps with both arms stretched above her head, and she loves to lie in her boppy. She adores bath time. Most of all, I want to remember her sweet, laid back personality and her beautiful, tiny face.

I love sweet Barnes's animated expressions. He loves to wrinkle his forehead, and he has the most beautiful big eyes. He grunts a lot and often sounds like a grumpy old man. He hates all things wet--both wet diapers and baths--and he makes his dislike known. He has the strongest little neck and already lifts his head all the time, and he has practically mastered rolling from his belly to his back...clearly someone forgot to tell him he was a preemie. He is obsessed with his paci. He loves awake time, and it's incredibly fun to watch him stare and explore his new world. He is the best cuddler I know, and I want to remember how wonderful it feels to hold him tight.

on the charts

2011-10-06T14:13:00.002-04:00

We had a growth check today at the pediatrician, and we're excited to report that Barnes is officially on the 6 week old growth chart! He is now 7 pounds 13 ounces, which puts him in the 3rd percentile. He is 20.1 inches long (not on the chart), and his head circumference puts him in the 14th percentile.

Frances is still quite petite, checking in at 6 pounds even. She is 18.5 inches long and is not on the growth chart in any category, but her personal growth curve looks great.

They are both growing and thriving, and we couldn't be more blessed!

0 years old

2011-10-04T22:32:00.003-04:00

Happy Due Date, Barnes & Frances! Today our little ones' adjusted age is officially zero. It's so strange to think that these smirking, wiggling wee ones who we've been enjoying for the past six weeks are just now supposed to be arriving in the world. We are so thankful for our little zero-year-olds!

shopping...with a purpose

2011-10-02T22:02:00.003-04:00

We all have moments where we question ourselves, wondering if we are following the correct path. Today I was reminded of just how purposeful even our small decisions can be.

I left home at 4:15 p.m. intending to do some quick shopping before mass. Between the shopping and church, this would be the longest I had been away from the babies. My first stop was Ann Taylor Loft. I had just walked in and was still standing near the first rack when another NICU mom walked in. Her son is nearing release, and we were able to talk at length about our NICU experiences. I had the opportunity to share much of what we learned in the discharge process and give her some tips that I wish we had known in our final few days there.

A few minutes later in the same store, I ran into an acquaintance who suffers from pelvic pain similar to what I experienced a bit ago. We stood next to the sweaters and swapped stories, finding it strangely comforting to speak to someone else who understood the pain of a bladder distension.

Finally, I went to mass. Because I had been shopping in far west Knoxville, though, I went to a church I had never been to before. I chose a pew at random. On my right was a guy around my age who was also alone. About half way through mass, during a time when the congregation was standing, he suddenly sat down, then rolled into the pew and was unresponsive. I literally yelled "we need a doctor" in the middle of mass in this very formal church. No one responded...the service didn't even pause...but the man regained consciousness and was able to walk to the lobby. I followed him in case he fell again, and another young girl sitting to my left came with us. We got him sitting in the lobby, but as soon as a nurse from the congretation arrived to see if we needed help, the man started seizing and was unresponsive for over a minute. I immediately called 911, then spent the next few minutes corresponding between the EMTs, the nurse, and the man (once he regained consciousness).

As I was leaving home, I felt a bit nervous about being away from the babies for so long. But in just a short time I had three distinct experiences wherein I felt I had been placed somewhere for a very specific purpose. It's nice to be reminded that no matter where we are, God can use us. Whether we are in a church or at a mall or lying on a play mat with our children, we can be of some type of service. We just have to be available when the opportunity arises.

plans gone awry

2011-09-30T10:58:00.002-04:00

I bought the super duper twin nursing pillow. I took the classes and watched the videos. I read the books. I was as prepared as possible to nurse our two little ones. Then my water broke at 34 weeks, and everything changed. I didn't get to meet our children until 6 hours after they were born, and I didn't get to hold sweet Frances until she was 8 days old. Nursing was out of the question. The pumping began, and our babies were fed mommy's milk first through tubes, and then through bottles. When they became more skilled at bottle feeding, I was able to put them to the breast one time each day...but this completely exhausted our little bugs and screwed up their subsequent feeding. We knew that to get them home they had to be able to take all feedings by bottle, so I had a choice to make--keep putting them to the breast and potentially lengthen their NICU stay, or focus on the bottles and get them home. I chose home.

After five weeks of bottles, the babies are just not interested in getting their milk from anything but a bottle. Sure, I can still attempt to nurse, but they are too lazy to get any substantial volume. Switching them at this point would be quite the shock to their system, and I feel that they have been through enough. I literally despise pumping, but life is all about what's best for them. I know that because I am only pumping the babies will eventually outpace me, but for now I can provide them this nutrition. When the time comes, they will thrive on formula, just as millions of babies before them have done.

Interestingly, I am grieving the loss of nursing quite a bit. Much of my path to motherhood has been out of the ordinary. From IVF to a c-section at 34 weeks to the NICU, things haven't gone exactly as planned. I was so looking forward to the simplicity of nursing our twins, to feeding them in the most basic way possible. The loss of this experience has added to my fears that I'm just not cut out to be a mommy. Rather than rallying, my body has consistently failed to perform as expected.

Whether I was made for motherhood or not, I am now a mom. I am reminded of this every time I look into the beautiful faces of my son and daughter. So for now, I will continue to lock myself away and hook up to my pump many times a day, doing my little part in contributing to our twins' health.

one month

2011-09-24T11:55:00.001-04:00

Our precious set of shafers are officially one month old today! It's quite surreal that they have already reached this landmark, especially since we have only had them at home for 10 days. Over the past month, we've been privileged to watch these little ones grow and change in incredible ways. They have started packing on the ounces and both look so much healthier than they did at birth--Frances is now checking in at 5 lbs. 3 oz., and Barnes is a solid 7 lbs. even. They are starting to have a little more awake time each day, and they can focus on our faces now. Their tiny necks are getting stronger, and while they may come in little packages their personalities are large. They both love their pacis and adore being propped in their boppies. Bottle time is a favorite, of course, but bouncy seat time is also a treat.

Happy one month birthday, sweet Barnes and Frances! We are so blessed to be your mom and dad.

newborn pics

2011-09-19T13:11:00.002-04:00

We had newborn pics taken Saturday, and our photographer just posted a preview on facebook. Wanted to share these precious images with all of you.

lots of firsts

2011-09-18T11:32:00.005-04:00

It's been a fun-filled four days at our house. Having our two little ones home is a dream come true, and we are so enjoying introducing them to the world. They are such wonderful babies and are already developing their own little personalities.

Barnes is quite noisy and expressive. He loves mealtime and would probably eat as much as we would give him (though he might not feel well afterwards). His has better muscle control because of his size now, so he's able to sleep in his angled sleeper/bassinet, which he adores.

Frances is getting more and more energy every day. For now she is quieter and more keen on laying awake and entertaining herself, so it will be interesting to see if this changes as she grows. She is so tiny and so beautiful, and her little reflexive smiles just melt our hearts.

Napping together in their pack-n-play, one of their favorite hang outs. No matter how far apart we lay them, they often manage to wiggle together.

Barnes loves his bouncy seat

Barnes after his first bath at home

Frances after her first bath...she loved bath time and kept kicking her feet around like she was at the spa

On their first walk. They were a little small for the stroller, but we figured it out. They both loved being strolled and were fast asleep by the end of the walk.

homecoming

2011-09-15T17:49:00.004-04:00

We are so excited to announce that the twins are both home! They were discharged from the NICU yesterday after a little advocacy by mom and dad. We are so thankful to have them here...they finally feel like they are truly ours. Being able to cuddle and carry them without asking a nurse first is such a treat.

Barnes and Frances were both fabulous on their first night. We were a little worried at first, but they slept well between their 2:00 and 6:00 feedings, then again until their 10:00 feeding. Barnes tried out his bouncy seat today, they went to the pediatrician this afternoon, and in a few hours they will get their first bath at home--exciting times in the Shafer house!

Thank you all for your love, support and encouragement over the past three weeks. The twins are still small and still need a little extra protection (they aren't even supposed to be here yet, after all), but we are so proud of how far they have come.

efficiency

2011-09-10T17:19:00.003-04:00

To say that Andrew is an amazing dad to Barnes and Frances would be quite the understatement. He is truly a natural. From day one, he has jumped on board and been as involved as possible in every aspect of their care. He wakes up early to make it to feedings, changes dirty diapers, and has become a master swaddler. He keeps up with all their daily stats and progress. He loves them deeply, and I fall a bit more in love with him every time I see him with our children.

I am worried that he is stretching himself too thin, though, as he has come up with some interesting new ways to conserve energy. Last night we were eating dinner at home, and when he stood up I informed him that his fly was not zipped. His response: "I know, I left it down on purpose. I knew I would have to unzip it again in 30 minutes, so I thought I would save the time." I think he may have taken his quest for efficiency a bit too far.

16 days and counting

2011-09-09T10:06:00.003-04:00

Today is day 16 in the NICU. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, whether by voice mail, facebook, or email. Each note means so much, and we are beyond thankful to have so many people praying for Barnes and Frances. Please know that even though we aren't really returning phone calls right now (we can't use cell phones in the NICU), we are thankful for each of you.

Our babies are now considered "feeder/growers," which means they are working primarily on learning to bottle feed and gaining weight. They still have some issues with breathing too quickly, but their tiny bodies are slowly learning what to do. Barnes is a bit ahead of Frances on the eating issue, but Frances has made incredible progress considering the extra hurdles she had to overcome. We are working on getting Frances to gain weight, as this seems to be one of her struggles.

They are both such sweet babies. Barnes will happily play awake in his crib, and he loves his pacifier. He likes to wrinkle his forehead and is already learning to pee on his cute outfits. Frances is still so tiny, but very expressive. She is not afraid to show her grumpy face when she disapproves of whatever you are doing. She is such a fighter, but so cuddly at the same time. We are so proud of our two angels...they are literally the strongest two people I have ever known.

Many people have said that this is really better, that this is a time for us to rest while we prepare for the babies to come home. While I know they mean well, let me assure you that this is not better than having our little ones at home. We have been preparing for these children for 34 weeks--really for the last year and a half--and we want nothing more than to have our entire family home. Having babies in the NICU is not a break...it's exhausting. While we may be more sleep deprived once the twins are home, we are by no means well rested now. Here's a sample of our current routine:

6:30-7:00: Wake up. Andrew gets ready for work and packs anything he needs for the day. Jessica pumps, cleans all pump supplies, dries all pump supplies, gets ready, packs a bag for the hospital.
8:00: Andrew comes to the hospital for the first feeding of the day, then goes to work.
9:00: Jessica heads to hospital. Jessica pumps sometime before the next feeding.
11:00: Babies have another feeding (some are by tube and some are by bottle). Andrew arrives back at hospital. One of us holds Frances up to reduce her reflux after her feeding.
12:15: Andrew and Jessica eat a yummy lunch in the hospital cafeteria.
12:45: Jessica pumps.
1:00: Andrew returns to work (though I'm not sure how great his concentration is right now).
2:00: Babies have another feeding.
3:00: Jessica pumps again and then leaves hospital sometime between 3 and 4.
4:00: Jessica lets dogs out, cleans all pump supplies, tries to do any house things that have to be done.
5:00: Andrew comes home from work, works on house work and errands.
6:00: Dinner, walk dogs, pump again.
7:30: We both head back to the hospital to make it in time for the babies' 8:00 feeding. Pump again at hospital.
10:00: Leave hospital. Prepare pump supplies for the night. Eat a snack because we are usually both starving.
11:00: Pump.
11:30- 12:00: Go to bed.
3:30 a.m.: Jessica gets up to pump.
7:00: Start again.

While this is exhausting, we are so thankful that, for our family, this will eventually end. Many families here have no end in sight, and seeing kids who are so sick is truly heartbreaking. Through this process, we have learned how lucky our friends and family are to have so many healthy children. A pregnancy is not ensured to end in a healthy birth, and for each that does we should all praise God.

funny story...

2011-09-02T16:30:00.002-04:00

Well, it's either funny or completely depressing, depending on how you view it. I was walking the dogs during our "dinner break" yesterday, and the neighbor who lives behind us stopped her car, rolled down her window, and said, "So, no babies yet?" SERIOUSLY!!!! I still look 35+ weeks pregnant with twins?! In her defense, she cannot see the bows on the front porch from the way she drives to her house, but she had a clear view of me in a somewhat fitted t-shirt. Quite the blow to my post-baby self-esteem, and too funny not to share.

one week

2011-09-01T17:01:00.005-04:00

Yeterday marked the twins' one week birthday! They have come so far in 7 days, and though they still have a long way to go, we are proud of every little accomplishment. Both are off all oxygen and IV fluids, and both are receiving all their nutrition from milk. Barnes is a bit better at digesting his food, but Frances is working on it. Both are still breathing too quickly, which is one of the big things they need to work on. Frances got her first bottle on Tuesday, though since then she's had to be tube fed because her breathing is too fast. Barnes had his first bottle today (Thursday), and did much better with it than we expected. Learning to suck, swallow and breath is a lot for a preemie! Barnes is now regulating his body temperature on his own, so he can wear clothes now and got to move to a bassinet today, which is a much less cumbersome bed. Frances passed the four pound mark last night, checking in at 4 pounds 1.8 ounces (though she could dip back down). Most importantly, we finally got to hold Frances today, 8 days after her birth.

It's strange how your perspective changes with babies that weren't quite ready to enter the world. We ask every morning how their stools were and celebrate poops without suppositories. We get excited when they remember to breath and keep their heartrate up. Before every feeding, we watch as the nurse takes any milk not digested out of their tummy to see how they are doing. It's not something you ever plan or something you ever wish to do again, but it's strange how it all becomes your normal rather quickly.

Here are two more pictures from their one week birthday--one of Frances hanging out in her pink bed and one of Barnes and dad cuddling. Please continue to keep our little ones in your prayers.

a few pics

2011-08-28T18:38:00.002-04:00

Frances Katherine, Day 1

Barnes Howard, Day 1

first family picture, 6 hours after birth

first four days

2011-08-28T18:11:00.003-04:00

It's been a bit of a whirldwind around here as we settle into our new normal. We came home from the hospital last night and are now trying to figure out how to balance hanging out in the NICU with the rest of life and healing from my c-section, and just hoping that our babies are able to join us at home soon. To fill you all in, here's how the labor/delivery went down...

I had an appointment last Friday, and there were no signs of labor on either the ultrasound or the cervical check--everyone thought we were still weeks away. I was uncomfortable over the weekend, but nothing very different from what I've been feeling for weeks now. On Sunday, I began worrying about baby girl, thinking she wasn't moving as much as normal. This feeling continued, so on Tuesday I called in and went for an ultrasound. Again, everything looked perfect. Tuesday night I had a board meeting, and towards the end of the meeting around 7:45 I had two really strong contractions. I didn't feel anything else, though, and thought nothing about it. In fact, on my way out of the meeting, I kept telling people to expect the babies in about two weeks.

Andrew and I walked the dogs around 8:15, then we opened and began playing with our new video baby monitors. Andrew had the light off in the nursery and was making faces into the monitor, and I was downstairs checking to see how well it worked. We were laughing, joking around, but when I started back up the stairs I only made it to the third one. Suddenly, my water broke, just like on a movie...it was shocking! I called up to Andrew, "Honey, my water just broke," and he thought I was joking. When he looked over the railing and saw me standing in a puddle he realized this was the real deal, and he immediately began freaking out. Neither of us had packed, so we began throwing stuff together. I finally got Andrew calmed down, we got enough together to get us through the day, and off we went. Luckily, my doctor was on call, so he met us at the hospital.

In triage they quickly confirmed that my water had broken, and the doctor said we'd be doing a c-section within the hour. I wasn't contracting yet, so I was still pretty calm. I was upset that the babies were coming earlier than expected, but I knew there was nothing we could do. Unfortunately two emergencies came in, pushing us back, and I began having strong contractions around 1:00 a.m. We were finally wheeled to the OR at 3:00, and at 3:21 a.m. on August 24th we heard the most beautiful sound--our two babies crying. I saw them very quickly in the OR, and Andrew got to hold them each for about 30 seconds, then they were whisked to the nursery. Andrew and our families got to watch them being evaluated and stabilized, but I was stuck in my room recovering. Finally, 6 hours later, my babies were wheeled in to meet me. It was bittersweet--they were the most precious things ever, but they were in isolettes and I couldn't hold them.

The babies headed to the NICU across the street, and I was taken to postpartum. Andrew and the families got to go visit in the NICU, but again I had to wait. This was truly excruciating. I was hearing about my babies from everyone else, when I should have been the first to know them. Finally, around 3:00 p.m., I got to visit the NICU and touch our son and daughter. Since then, Andrew and I have been visiting as much as possible and soaking up every second with our babies.

As of now, Barnes is on nasal oxygen. He is receiving my milk via tube to his stomach, and is digesting better and better. We really hope his breathing improves soon, as we need to get him more stable so we can start working towards other goals. Andrew and I have both gotten to hold him (inside his pouch) a few times, and we cherish those special moments.

Frances is on a respirator and is on medication to close a valve that failed to close after birth. Once she is off the medicine, she will hopefully begin eating via tube. We have gotten to change her diaper, but have not yet gotten to hold her, which is breaking my heart. I am aching to have her in my arms!

Although it's terribly difficult to not have them here, we know they are in the best hands right now. We are incredibly thankful for East Tennessee Children's Hospital and all the wonderful doctors and nurses there. We will keep you all as updated as we have time to, and we beg you to continue to pray for the twins' health and development.

our news...

2011-08-27T06:28:00.002-04:00

On wednesday morning, august 24, 2011, our set of shafers made their way into our world. They were born via c-section at 3:21 am. Barnes Howard weighed 4 lb 15.9 oz and was 18 inches long. Frances Katherine weighed 3 lb 13.9 oz and was 17 inches long. They are truly beautiful- God has blessed us richly.

I am typing this from my phone, as blogger is blocked at the hospital, but we will share their full birth story later and begin regular updates on their status. For now, know that they are being well cared for in the nicu at east tn children's hospital as they work on lung development and breathing first. Please pray for their health, development and progress, as we are anxious to have them join us at home.

major milestone

2011-08-23T09:18:00.002-04:00

Today we are breathing a sigh of relief, as we have officially reached the 34 week mark. This is a major milestone in twin world, as it's one giant step closer to the well-baby nursery. We are hoping for at least another week or two (or three) before delivery, but just in case we are doing a round of steroids this Thursday and Friday to help the twins' lungs develop. If our babies decide to make an early appearance, this will hopefully help them breathe more easily on their own.

sage advice

2011-08-20T12:33:00.002-04:00

Pregnant women attract advice. It is a law of nature that 80% of the people a pregnant woman meets want to share their views on parenting. While advice givers typically have the best intentions, all the unsolicited anecdotes can get a bit old, especially considering that almost none of these people have ever raised multiples. This week, though, I received quite a jewel from a neighbor.

I have recently been struggling a bit. Not working feels like not contributing, and doubts about my worth to our family have crept in. I know all the right things to say...that monetary contributions do not define worth, that worth comes from God alone, that being a mom is an important job. Knowing the truth and believing it, though, are two different feats.

An older man walks through our neighborhood constantly. He had a heart attack a few years ago, and now maintains a certain number of steps per day. During these walks, he speaks to everyone he sees and always has a smile on his face. We saw him Wednesday evening, and as he was inquiring about the babies' status, he mentioned that he only had one piece of advice. I braced myself for more tips about eating or sleeping, but instead heard this: "You only get one chance to be a good parent."

I have an indefinite time to build a career, to make money, to contribute in some work-oriented way to society. But our twins will only be babies this once. Once a milestone passes, it will not come again. I'm so thankful to be reminded of this, and thankful that our neighbor shared his sweet wisdom.

growing!

2011-08-18T16:22:00.002-04:00

We received wonderful news at our growth scan today! Baby girl gained over a pound in the last two weeks and is now at 4 pounds 2 ounces, the 14th percentile. Baby boy is measuring at 4 pounds 13 ounces, the 46th percentile. Their discordance is only 14%, which is great, and they look very healthy all around. We couldn't be more excited about our 9 pounds of baby!

hello 33

2011-08-17T10:08:00.002-04:00

We've made it to 33 weeks, and my body is definitely feeling it. Hopefully we have at least 8 pounds of baby inside now (our next growth scan is Thursday), and they are doing everything they can to make me uncomfortable. I hit a bit of a wall last week and I am now questioning my ability to make it to my goal, 37 weeks. Hopefully we will at least make it to 35, though I am still pushing for more. No matter how uncomfortable I am, the benefits that each week inside (or really even every few days) give our chlidren are more than worth it.

families

2011-08-10T14:09:00.003-04:00

Some day, one of our children will look at Andrew and me and ask, "Where do babies come from?" Though it's a question many parents dread, it's one that we have put lots of thought into, and one that I hope we will be well prepared to handle.

When the inevitable question is asked, I hope to direct the conversation more to how families are made. I know it's important for children to understand the biology of babies, but it's equally important to teach our children that families are not one size fits all. Yes, babies are each made from a little part of a woman and a little part of a man, but families are so much more. Though I'm sure the response will be refined over the next few years, I plan to tell our children that many mommies and daddies are able to easily make a baby, and that is a beautiful thing. Lots of families, though, come together in different ways. Some families, like ours, needed a doctor to help make their babies. We are so thankful for these special doctors, as they were able to make our dreams come true by giving us our precious twins. Other families are brought together through the miracle of adoption, or through the gift of surrogacy. Many families are made of a mommy, daddy and kids, but many are also made of just a mommy, just a daddy, or two mommies or daddies.

What matters is not how the family came together, or how the babies were made, but the love shared within that family. That is the lesson I want our children to learn.

My Favorite Commercial:

role reversal

2011-08-08T09:45:00.004-04:00

We started our week with a Sunday morning visit to the ER, but this time I wasn't the patient. Poor Andrew was trimming some bushes yesterday and accidentally clipped a little more than the bush. Thankfully Andrew is a trooper and did great with the whole ordeal. Three stitches later, his right hand should be as good as new in about 2 weeks. He will definitely be taking lead on the twins' lacerations. The worst part of the adventure (except the numbing shot) was that the valet actually locked our keys in our car! His entire job is to park cars and get the keys safely to the booth, yet he managed to lock us out in the 90 degree sunshine. So glad this is not the hospital where we are having the babies.

In honor of our latest hospital visit, I've added a new poll to the right side of the blog...when do you think the babies will arrive? There are five options, and each week represents the day we get to that mark plus the entire following week (34 weeks= 34 weeks through 34 weeks 6 days). As a reminder, we will be 32 weeks tomorrow. Happy voting!

our bitty baby

2011-08-04T17:31:00.002-04:00

We had another growth scan today, and unfortunately didn't get the results we really wanted. Thankfully, both babies had grown and both looked very healthy on their biophysical profile. Their growth seems to have slowed, though, and baby girl is very small. Our boy was measuring at 4 pounds 2 ounces, the 61st percentile. Little girl was only at 3 pounds 1 ounce, the 7th percentile. The discordance between them has risen from 21% to 26% (we were hoping that number would shrink).

We are now scheduled for weekly ultrasounds at the high risk center, and I am thankful that our precious twins are being monitored so closely. We should know more about what this might mean after meeting with our doctor next Friday.

fur babies

2011-08-03T10:56:00.003-04:00

While the twins will be our first human babies, Andrew and I have had "children" for quite a while. Cooper and Stella, our two precious dogs, are an integral part of our family.

Cooper is a six-year-old yorkie who is too smart for his own good. His vocabulary is astonishing...we are pretty sure he understands about 90% of what we say. He is certain he's not a dog, and expresses this belief by refusing to eat dog food unless there is shredded cheese on top. He is quite independent, but also knows when to give the sweetest snuggles. If I cry (which seems to be often at 31 weeks pregnant), he is always the first to comfort me. He also has some advanced medical training--when Andrew's blood sugar goes low in the middle of the night, Cooper often scratches until Andrew gets up to eat. He is a typical firstborn...responsible, caring, and good at entertaining himself.

Stella is our one-year-old yorkie poo, and she is quite the ball of energy. We were constantly on the fence about adding a second dog to the family, but when I yearned for a child getting a dog seemed to be the next best thing. Looking back, we realize this was one of the best decisions we have made for our family. Sweet Stella has been so good for her big brother. He eats better and plays more than he has in years. Stella has the most adorable face, and she is quite possibly the most cuddly animal ever. She will lay with Andrew or me for hours, giving her love freely and generously. She is also quite hilarious, and she keeps us entertained with her precious antics.

This morning I had to drop both of my fur babies at the vet--Stella needed a teeth cleaning and extraction of one tooth that never fell out, and Cooper needed a teeth cleaning and had a spot on his back that needed to be removed. Both had to be put to sleep, which I hate, and both had a complete freak out when we pulled up to the vet's office. They clung to their mommy, and I cried as I pulled out of the parking lot without them in my lap. I was so sad that I couldn't explain to them that this was for their own good, that I would be back soon to hold them and cuddle them. I quickly realized that life with babies will be similar. There will be times when we have to make choices that the babies don't like, and we won't be able to explain to them that we are trying to do what is best. There will be moments when the things we have to do will make the babies angry, and I know that hearing their little cries will break my heart. I just hope that human babies forgive as quickly as our four-legged kids.

soon

2011-08-01T08:25:00.002-04:00

As of today, we can officially say that we are having twins NEXT MONTH. These little guys will most likely be making their appearance in just 4 to 6 weeks! If you had told me in August 2010 that we would be here a year later, I would have laughed in your face. The idea of our home being stocked with two cribs, toys, diapers, and all things baby would have sounded too good to be true. But here we are, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our son AND daughter...God is so good.

pregnancy pics

2011-07-28T22:33:00.011-04:00

We received the rest of our pregnancy pics, and I'm super excited about the results. To be perfectly honest, I think pregnancy pictures are often a bit strange. Because this may be the only time we get to experience this miracle, though, I wanted some nice photos to remember this time. Ashley Hoskins did a great job of capturing my belly in a classy way, and I feel like these really show the love and excitement Andrew and I are feeling right now. Here are some of my favorites...I had a little trouble narrowing it down!

a 30 to be excited about

2011-07-27T09:36:00.003-04:00

Our little ones have made it to 30 weeks....woohoo! We are thrilled to have crossed this milestone, and it's super exciting to know that we get to meet our son and daughter in 8 or fewer weeks (only 56 days!). I am being monitored very closely at this point for pre-term labor. I have to go in at least once a week, sometimes twice, to make sure nothing is happening too early. We are so thankful for the extraordinary healthcare we have received throughout this pregnancy.

While we are thrilled and thankful to be at this point, things aren't all rainbows and butterflies. I am getting more and more uncomfortable, which means less and less mobile. We took a tour of the NICU this week, since there is a chance our babies will have to stay there for a while, and were reminded of how fragile our babies could be if born too early. Also, this weekend marked the last of our previous three due dates. Each time one of these dates has passed has been difficult, and this past one even more so. Now we only have one due date to go, and are hoping for a much different outcome!

awkward

2011-07-24T09:46:00.003-04:00

With my basketball belly leading the way these days, I inevitably get the "what are you having" question often. Once I reveal that there are two babies inside, everyone seems anxious to share their own thoughts/advice. Most people are incredibly kind and seem truly excited by our good fortune. Many, though, quickly dive into what I find to be inappropriate territory. Here are some of my favorites:

"Do twins run in your family?" When did it become appropriate to ask a random stranger about his or her medical history? I believe this is just a veiled way to ask whether you conceived with the help of fertility drugs. If someone is awkward enough to ask this, I usually respond with "No, we did fertility treatments" or "No, we did IVF." Awkward questions deserve awkward answers.

"Were you surprised?" Seriously?! Who finds out they are having multiples and is not at least a little surprised? Yes, we did IVF and knew that we had transferred two embryos, but very few couples are blessed enough to have both make themselves at home. This is also, I believe, a veiled attempt to ask about whether you participated in fertility treatments. These people get the same response as above, but usually modified with some kind of "We were definitely excited."

"Did you conceive naturally?" Though this one is rare, people actually do ask this. This question is both invasive and offensive. First, how I conceived is really not an appropriate topic for discussion. When you see a woman pregnant with one child, do you ask her about the circumstances surrounding her conception (was the baby planned, did she and her husband have one too many to drink)? Moreover, it implies that because we used fertility treatments, our children are somehow "unnatural." Just like every other baby in the world, our twins were each conceived with one sperm and one egg (luckily for us, we were able to use our own). Sure, there were a few extra steps, but these are normal, natural children.

"I'm so sorry..." Some people actually offer their condolences when they hear we're having twins. I quickly correct them, informing them that we could not be more excited to be having two children at once.

I know that most people mean well, and that society has a fascination with multiples. I also know that this fascination is not going to end with the twins' birth and that we will be fielding these types of questions for years to come. But I strongly recommend that if you come into contact with someone having multiples, do not ask them anything you wouldn't ask a person having one baby. Congratulate them, be excited for them, and leave the awkward questions tucked away, unasked.

growing

2011-07-21T15:34:00.002-04:00

We had another growth scan today (29 weeks 2 days), and the babies are growing away. Baby boy is 3 pounds 6 ounces, which is the 65th percentile. Baby girl is 2 pounds 10 ounces, which is the 13th percentile. The gap between them is still 21%, so it hasn't decreased any, but it also hasn't gotten larger. We will meet with our doctor on Monday to discuss the numbers, then have another growth scan in two weeks. Grow, babies, grow!

baby room

2011-07-20T16:36:00.007-04:00

After a few months of fun, the nursery is finally ready! I had so much fun preparing this room, and sweet Andrew went along with all of my crazy ideas. We wanted something sweet, classic, simple and peaceful...I didn't want it to get busy with all the boy/girl stuff. We ended up focusing on white and gray, with touches of blue, pink, and green. I am so excited about the result and cannot wait to see our little ones grow in their very own room.

View from the doorway...baby girl is on the left, baby boy is on the right, and the dresser and changing table are separating the cribs. If you look towards baby girl's crib, you can see a little corner of the gray and cream rug we finally found.

Baby girl's crib, which is next to the most comfy glider ever and the sweet piece of art we found for the twins. I certainly hope they hold fast to their dreams!

Baby boy's crib. These mobiles are probably my favorite things in the nursery.

Chandelier, which Andrew hung himself. He's so handy!

4Bookshelf between the doorway and closet with lots of toys and goodies.

The fabric for the sheets and changing pad cover...which was on backorder for months! Worth the wait, though.

A final look at the whole room.

backward and forward

2011-07-18T22:00:00.004-04:00

This weekend, Andrew and I went on our very last pre-baby trip--a mini anniversary get-away to Chattanooga (it's a short distance and has a good neonatal hospital). In honor of my father-in-law, we took the twins on a little "roots tour" and showed them the place where it all began. The Fertility Center in Chattanooga is where our little miracles were conceived, and where they spent their first 5 days of life. It's where they had their first photos made, and where we had the privilege of meeting them for the first time. It was special to take them back and show them a bit of their history.

While we looked back over the weekend, this week is all about looking forward. We started our childbirth class last week, and will continue that one night per week for the next four weeks. This week we are also taking a breastfeeding class and a child & infant CPR class. Pretty sure Andrew and I will be on information overload, but our pre-birth days are numbered at this point and we feel like there is so much we need to learn. Classes, of course, will not truly prepare us for these twins, but at least they make us feel better as we wait.

preview

2011-07-16T13:26:00.003-04:00

On Thursday, we had some maternity photos done by Ashley Hoskins, a local photographer who is great at using light and creating beautiful images. I wanted to go ahead and take pictures before I too closely resembled a whale. She posted one on her facebook page...a little preview with more to come.

five years

2011-07-15T09:30:00.005-04:00

Five years ago today, Andrew and I entered into the sacrament of marriage. A sacrament points us towards what is sacred and significant. Through the sacraments, we are able to experience God's saving presence and grace. During the past five years of trying to love Andrew well and attempting to allow him to love me back, my understanding of what is good and right has grown immensely.

On July 15, 2006, we pledged our lives to each other with childlike excitement about what the future held. We anticipated a life full of love, excitement, passion, fun, children (eventually), and happiness. We knew, of course, that there would be less than great times, but as we said our vows we were more focused on the "for better" than the "for worse." Thankfully, we have had more good times than bad. We have had the opportunity to travel together, to experience new things together, to ride our bikes 100 miles though wine country together. We have enjoyed exciting moments, driving down roads too narrow to hold two cars in northern Italy, and quiet moments, reading together on the porch on Sunday mornings. While the good days have been innumerable, today I am thankful for the hard days in our marriage.

The past year, this fifth year of our lives together, was the hardest year of my life. It was not, however, the hardest year of our marriage. With every failed treatment, every loss, every doctor's appointment, we banded together more strongly than before. Andrew saw me at my very worst, and loved me anyway. When it was unclear whether I could ever give him biological children, Andrew, a man who has known he wanted kids for as long as he can remember, told me he would marry me a thousand times over. Today, as we prepare for our twins' arrival in less than ten weeks, we are more closely bonded than we ever imagined five years ago. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Happy Fifth Anniversary, Andrew. I love you so much always.

showered with love

2011-07-14T11:36:00.009-04:00

Last weekend, we had our fourth and final baby shower--a fabulous way to begin the third trimester! Barbeque, strawberry cake, and lots of new baby things...all of my favorites! Three of my college friends and one of Andrew's friend's wife hosted the party (isn't it great when your friends marry people you love), which was an amazing act of generosity considering that three of the four live out of town. This was our only party in Knoxville, and it was so wonderful to celebrate with our local friends and family. We are so grateful to our hosts and guests, and can't wait for the little ones to meet each of you!

sweet hostesses--Mollie, Ellie, me, Ann-Haley, and Lacy

dining room decorations

more decorations

my mom and dad with Andrew and me--both of our families were able to come

Lacy and Mollie...I have to watch these two when the get together...

homestretch

2011-07-12T11:19:00.004-04:00

We made it...we're in the third trimester! At 28 weeks, we have no more than 10 to go before we meet these little munchkins. As my doctor said yesterday, 28 weeks is a big milestone for twins. Even if born today, their long-term prognosis would be really good (not that we want to test that).

Yesterday's appointment left us with much information to absorb. On the positive side, I passed my glucose test, so no gestational diabetes, and I am not yet showing signs of pre-term labor. On the less positive side, at our last growth appointment the babies were 21% apart, which is just 1 percentage point within the normal range. If this disparity gets bigger over the next few weeks, we may have to deliver earlier than we would like. We will be keeping a close eye on their sizes and praying that baby girl catches up a bit, as I would really like to make it past the 34 week mark. Andrew and I are trying not to worry too much, as difficult as that is, since there is truly nothing we can do to direct nutrition to baby girl. Hopefully our petite little princess will be much larger by our appointment next Thursday!

yawns and hiccups

2011-07-06T08:47:00.004-04:00

We are getting close to the homestretch, and these babies are developing more personality every day. Baby girl loves the morning, and she especially likes her morning couch time. She has been going crazy for the past hour, poking, prodding, and dancing around. This morning when I woke up she had the hiccups, which was the first time I had felt this phenomenon. Luckily I discovered these little jolts before Andrew left for work, so Daddy got to feel his baby girl hiccuping as well.

Baby boy, on the other hand, prefers nighttime. I can count count on him to put on a show most every night, though he tends to move a bit throughout the day. He is definitely the more active twin, or at least the one I can feel the most. At our Thursday ultrasound, the tech turned on the 3d feature and we actually saw him yawn. It's amazing to think that our little son is already doing things like yawning--that he is already doing many of the things he will do when he joins us this fall.

Watching and feeling these little ones move never loses its excitement. Their growing bodies, however, are starting to take their toll on me. Sleep is becoming very difficult, and by about 2:00 every afternoon the excruciating back pain begins. Yesterday for the first time I had trouble putting on my own socks, and I almost couldn't bend over to take the dogs' leashes off. It's hard to believe that my belly still has 10 weeks of growth to go...but it's also hard to believe that our babies will be joining us in such a short time. Whatever permanent (or not so permanent) damage it does to my body, I just pray that these pumpkins will stay put at least 8 more weeks.

friday fun

2011-07-02T11:32:00.002-04:00

We like to keep our Fridays interesting around here. I've been having off and on stabbing lower back pains over the last week, and yesterday when I woke up I could barely walk. I called my doctor to tell him that they were still happening, and when I arrived for a quick check-in they instructed me to go over to triage at the hospital to make sure these weren't actually contractions. Based on some other symptoms I've been experiencing, they were also concerned with my blood pressure, which unfortunately was slightly elevated when they checked it at the office.

After walking over to the hospital and getting several bands strapped around my belly, my blood pressure went down and we determined that there were no contractions (which I had been trying to tell them the whole time). We were able to come home rather quickly, thankfully with no babies in tow yet.

Following a couple of hours of rest, the babies went to their first major concert...Taylor Swift. It was fabulous! The babies can hear now, and they kicked and danced the whole time. I think they are going to be music lovers!

Note: The babies' actual first concert was Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors, who I strongly recommend you check out. They were only 13 weeks old then, though, so they couldn't hear yet. No worries--they will have plenty of DH&N in their future.

measuring up

2011-06-30T18:13:00.004-04:00

We had an ultrasound to check the twins' growth today, and they are still looking wonderful! Baby boy is estimated to weigh 2 pounds 4 ounces, which puts him in the 72nd percentile--woohoo! Baby girl is lagging behind a bit at 1 pound 12 ounces--only the 15th percentile. We wish that baby girl would grow a bit more, but there is nothing we can do about it. Andrew and I were both very small babies, and anyone who has seen Andrew's sister Rebecca knows that small genes run in that family. My plan is to keep eating and hope they continue to grow, grow, grow!

sweet carolina

2011-06-28T22:59:00.007-04:00

On Friday, Andrew's mom and sisters hosted a wonderful baby shower for us in Greenville, South Carolina (Andrew's hometown). It was a wonderful evening...so many people came by, and we were truly overwhelmed by the generosity we were shown. We are incredibly thankful for our fabulous Carolina friends and family.

The night was made even sweeter by the fact that Andrew's entire family was able to be there. A month after we were married, Andrew's middle sister Rebecca became a religious sister with the Nashville Dominicans (Dominican Sisters of Saint Cecilia). We get to visit her in Nashville several times a year, but last week she was able to come home for the first time in four years. Having her with us to celebrate Bit & Bitty's upcoming arrival was a real treat.

We were having so much fun that we forgot to take pictures for most of the night, but here are a few we managed to snap:

Elizabeth (Andrew's youngest sister) playing bartender

hand-knit stuffed animals from the sisters (with matching cookies)

Andrew and his high school friends

our first two children getting ready for the shower

the Shafer family

the ever-expanding belly...

2011-06-28T22:43:00.004-04:00

Happy 26 weeks from Hilton Head Island! Andrew and I spent a few days at the beach this week before my travel restrictions kick in, and while we were resting my belly was growing. The babies love the sunshine...every day they have moved around like crazy while we were lounging in our chairs. We've been able to actually see them move more than ever before, which provided quite a show while I was sporting my ever-fashionable maternity swimsuits. So excited to know they are thriving in there!

official 26 week belly pic

the most beautiful faces...

2011-06-25T22:08:00.005-04:00

Although we weren't planning to, today we decided to pop into a 3D ultrasound place and take a peek at the babies. Wow, are we glad we did. It was amazing! For the first time, the little jumpers in my belly really looked like little people!!! We came home with 65 photos on a cd as well as a 25 minute dvd of the ultrasound, and I just couldn't wait to share.

This is both babies together, though they were almost too big to get into one shot. Baby Girl is on the left, and you can see her face, arms, and legs. The circle on the right is Baby Boy, and they are looking towards each other.

Baby Boy's sweet face!

Baby Boy again

Baby Boy showing off his flexibility...that's his foot right next to his face!

Sweet Baby Girl! She has her face basically pressed against my uterus, which is why her nose is so smooshed.

More Baby Girl!

Baby Girl with her hand by her face.

And one final picture of our Baby Boy....love it!

pregnant bridesmaid and shower #2

2011-06-22T09:31:00.005-04:00

This past weekend, Andrew and I traveled to my hometown, Huntingdon, Tennessee, for two wonderful celebrations. First, I was honored to stand beside one of my long-time best friends while she married her sweet husband. They are a beautiful, kind couple who love each other and the Lord, and their wedding was fabulous, despite the torrential downpours that threatened to ruin the reception site. The great thing about a small town is that people care about each other and are willing to band together on a Saturday to give a bride the wedding of her dreams. Saturday morning the tent was more of a swamp, but by 3:00 that afternoon there was an 8,000 square foot wooden floor down. The reception was saved, and the twins & I were able to boogie down to Super T all night long.

the bride and me at the rehearsal dinner

our beautiful bouquets

Me and the bride...isn't she beautiful?!?! And I must say that my alterations lady did a great job making a non-maternity dress fit around my twin-filled belly.

On Sunday, my sister (who traveled all the way from Virginia) and my aunts hosted a perfect shower for the twins. It was wonderful to see faces from my childhood, and the twins received many beautiful gifts. Lots of sweet blankets, outfits, diapers, and other items to store away as we await their arrival this fall!

I love cake!!!

adorable decorations

our hostesses- Aunt Kim, Aunt Carol, me, Christina (my sister), and Aunt Martha

my mom and me

my sweet niece Suzanna

Now we're prepping for our last bit of travel before my travel restrictions kick in. Andrew's sister Rebecca is home, so we will be visiting his family, and then we're off for our last kid-free beach trip. 25 weeks and counting!

the magical land of "viability"

2011-06-15T21:46:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we hit 24 weeks, and this was a milestone I've been dying to reach. This is the first time the twins are actually considered viable, meaning if they were born now they have a good chance of survival with serious medical intervention. Of course, they would likely face life long challenges, and we don't want them to be born anytime remotely soon, but it's nice to know that they would stand a fighting chance. From this point forward, each week is a little victory.

At my appointment on Monday, everything checked out perfectly. It was such a relief to see our two little ones swimming around like crazy. Apparently I am very susceptible to braxton hicks contractions, and this will most likely be a recurring issue throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. The difficult thing is knowing when it's no big deal and when we should call and/or go in to get checked. At the risk of annoying my doctors, I plan to err on the side of caution.

Between the summer heat and the growing belly, I am starting to feel more tired, but overall am feeling great. Little things can be exhausting, so I'm trying to take lots of breaks throughout the day and space out my "to do's" a bit. Cooper and Stella are loving all of my couch time and are getting in plenty of cuddling before the babies come. The babies seem to love couch time as well. When I lay down, they move around like crazy, which I absolutely love! Last night, they actually woke me up with their acrobatics--it was the most I had felt them and was truly fascinating.

My belly is getting quite round...it's crazy to think that it may continue to grow for 14 more weeks! I am up about 22 pounds from my IVF weight (my IVF/infertility meds weight was more than my usual weight)--this is the first and probably the last time I will be sharing my weight gain stats.

Thanks for all of the kind words after my post this weekend. Please keep praying for these babies to stay safely inside for many more weeks!

friday night in the fort

2011-06-12T08:52:00.003-04:00

Our college friends can attest to the fact that Andrew and I spent many Friday nights in Fort Sanders, both jointly and before we ever met. We decided to bring that tradition back this weekend, though in a slightly different context. We spent around 3 hours at Ft. Sanders hospital Friday night being monitored for potential contractions.

First and foremost, everything is fine. I had uterine irritability, which is pretty much like mini-contractions that were concerning due to their frequency. Basically, to be a contraction, the uterus must tighten for at least 40 seconds. These "irritations" lasted about 20-30 seconds. I had a few full-blown contractions thrown in, but thankfully those stayed spaced out. Because the uterus shouldn't be this active at this point in our pregnancy, they gave me a shot of smooth muscle relaxer to stop the irritations. Luckily, I only had to take one dose of this lovely medication (it makes you very jittey and causes your heart to race). Things seem to have settled down for the most part now. We will check in with our regular doctor tomorrow and hope that this was just a little blip, not to be repeated.

mom, j.d.

2011-06-10T12:46:00.004-04:00

Today at 11:30 a.m., I walked out the door of Goodwill and indefinitely left the world of the law. It was much more difficult than I anticipated. I never saw myself being a stay-at-home mom. Then again, I never saw myself having twins, or having to do IVF to have children. Life changes, and our roles shift.

I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to stay at home with our twins, and excited to have some time this summer to take it easy and prepare for their birth. But all of my life, I have defined myself by what I did. If someone asked me about myself, my de facto answer began with what I did...a student, then an attorney. Now I'm struggling a bit with exactly "what" I am. I know that I was never just a student, or just an attorney. Likewise, I know I will not be just a mom. Despite my desire to keep interests and activities outside the home in my life, I certainly hope that I can manage to be good at this brand new role.

23 week update

2011-06-07T19:12:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we had our second "anatomy scan" to view the areas the babies wouldn't show the first time. Baby boy was very cooperative, so we got everything crossed off his list. Baby girl, however, still didn't want to show her spine, so we have another one in three weeks. Oh, well...no complaints about more baby viewing!

Everything still looks great! Baby girl is very, very high, which explains why I am having a little trouble breathing lately. Most excitingly, they gave us their weights...baby girl weighed in at 1 pound exactly and baby boy is a whopping 1 pound 5 ounces. The sonographers said it's perfectly normal for them to be different in weight, as these two are no more genetically similar that any other siblings. Except these two special siblings will share a birthday!

baby party!

2011-06-07T18:55:00.006-04:00

This weekend we had our first baby shower, hosted by my sweet law school friends Sarah & Trey Tally and Ellen Neese. We were so thankful for this opportunity to see so many of our law school/Nashville friends, and we were overwhelmed by everyone's generosity. It was a wonderful night-- definitely the best baby party I've been to! Here are some highlights:

Law school girls: Rachel, Me, Ellen, Leslie, Sarah & Harriet (who was 38 weeks pregnant with her first little boy)

Some Nashville friends: Brian, Leslie, Andrew, Chris Kuzur, John

Parents to be!

My longtime friend Macy and her precious daughter Caroline (the youngest of two), who stole everyone's heart with her precious personality.

The most delicious cupcakes!

My college friend Jennifer, who was sweet enough to hang out with a bunch of lawyers.

Fully stocked bar...this is standard at every baby shower, right? It definitely is at law school parties.

Delicious watermelon cubes with cheese and a cousin of prosciutto.

Our sweet hostesses, Ellen & Sarah

barefoot and pregnant

2011-05-31T22:03:00.003-04:00

22 weeks and counting! The babies are moving more and more, which is amazing, and Andrew has gotten to feel them several times. By now, they should be at least a pound each, but three weeks ago they were a couple of ounces ahead so they may have passed the one pound mark. They are around one foot long and growing every day...and my belly can tell!

As you can see, I'm looking very pregnant these days. My most pregnant feature is currently my feet. On Sunday, in a matter of about two hours, my feet went from normal to marshmallows. I'm having trouble fitting into shoes and am afraid I'll be completely barefoot soon. A small price to pay for two healthy babies!

sharing Jesus

2011-05-30T17:58:00.002-04:00

Four years ago, I joined the Catholic church. Since I began going to Mass with Andrew, one of the things that drew me most to this place was the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist. As Catholics, we believe that communion is more than a symbol. Each week, Jesus allows us to partake in His very Body and Blood. It is no longer a wafer and wine, it is our crucified and risen Lord. At Mass, we are nourished by this holy meal.

While pregnant, the Eucharist is even more miraculous. At around 10 weeks, the placenta is fully formed and begins sharing all the food the mom eats with the baby. So each time I receive the Body of Christ, the very substance is shared with our little ones. In a tangible way, I get to share Jesus with our son and daughter. What a unique privilege! I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to carry these two little miracles, and am humbled to get this opportunity each week to introduce them to our Lord.

perspective

2011-05-25T21:54:00.004-04:00

Several times recently, I've heard pregnant women say that they are nervous to give birth...that once their baby is outside their body they will feel unable to protect him or her. I feel the opposite. I cannot wait until these babies are strong and healthy enough to live outside me, and I am so looking forward to the day when they enter this world. Don't get me wrong--I love being pregnant. It is literally a dream come true. But our prior experiences have changed my perspective.

While I have never been anywhere close to this point before, I have been pregnant previously. Three times we conceived a child, and three times my body failed. No matter how many times people tell you it wasn't your fault, human nature wants to assign blame. Getting past that blame is turning into the biggest obstacle for me in this pregnancy. The anxiety is immense, often overwhelming. Each day feels like a bit of a battle to believe.

I am incredibly thankful for sweet Andrew and the encouragement he provides, and I love love love each little nudge I feel that reminds me that these precious babies are growing. But I am also aware that being pregnant doesn't "heal" infertility, and it definitely doesn't erase the scars from previous battles. Like the scars we get as kids on the playground, these will hopefully fade over time, but they will always be present as reminders of the road we traveled to get to this new place.

practice

2011-05-22T18:52:00.003-04:00

This past week has been full of practice...practice for labor and practice for how crazy life with twins will be at times (though I'm sure neither were even close to the real thing). It all started a week ago this past Friday. Due to some symptoms I was having, I had to rush to the doctor to get checked for pre-term labor. Because the risk of pre-term labor is so much higher with twins, I was terrified, but thankfully everything was okay.

Fast forward to Wednesday. I literally felt like I had been hit by a truck. On Thursday I called the doctor, and they recommended I come in for testing the next morning. That afternoon, I had my first Braxton Hicks contractions--an unwelcome surprise. The nurse said they were fine as long as there were no more than 4 per hour. When 4:30 finally rolled around, I drug myself home and decided to take the dogs for a walk to try to up my energy level a bit. At the very end of the walk, Stella hurt her paw. Cue the emergency vet. Stella got sedated, which ended up giving her just enough rest to be magically cured. With Stella conked out, I thought I could rest for the remainder fo the evening. Not so fast. Around 9:00, I had three strong contractions within 15 minutes, so we called the on-call doctor. His recommendation? Take a 30 minute bath and drink 2 liters of water. I was a little nervous about this prescription, but gave it a try anyway and was able to fall straight to sleep after.

Friday morning we gave Stella a dose of her medicine, then I headed to the doctor before work. I still had an infection--the antibiotic I had been taking for a week hadn't worked--and I told the nurse about the contractions the night before. Once the doctor got out of surgery, he decided he wanted me to come in at 2:00. When the nurse called to tell me, I informed her of the shooting pains in my back. Her response: how quickly can you be here. For the second Friday in a row, I was checked for pre-term labor, and again got a good report. All the symptoms were most likely caused by the infection.

I went home for just a few minutes to catch my breath while my new prescription was filled, and Stella got terrible diarrhea. I spent the next 30 minutes cleaning her. Needless to say, she didn't get any more medicine. A wonderful end to a wonderful day.

I'm sure this is just a small glimpse into the sometimes chaotic life of a twin parent, but it was exhausting nonetheless. I guess practice makes perfect!

the big 2-0

2011-05-17T21:12:00.004-04:00

Twenty weeks and counting...the traditional half-way mark! My belly looks quite a bit more than half-way finished, but I have a feeling it has lots of stretching to do yet.
I'm starting to feel more movements, and I just love their little squirms. This past Saturday during Andrew's sister's graduation, one baby in particular was going crazy and Andrew felt them move for the first time! So precious! I'm still having a little trouble telling when it's the babies, but I am sure they will make it clear fairly soon.

After I had a mini meltdown about being totally unprepared (I blame it on the pregnancy hormones), we got a great start on the nursery. We ordered bedding, sheets, changing pad covers, mobiles, and furniture...I am so excited for this project! We ended up purchasing a floor model of the dresser we wanted, so we got to take it home and put it in its new space. I've been sitting in the floor staring at the dresser dreaming of all the diapers we will change. We cannot wait!

popping out

2011-05-13T18:08:00.004-04:00

My belly has really popped out over the past few days, and now we know why. We had a bit of a scare this afternoon (everything is fine), so we had to go in to see the doctor before the weekend. After making sure the twins were great, we had a few minutes to chat. He asked if I had felt the babies, and I told him that I had some twinges high under my ribs on the right side, but that that was too high to be the babies. He then proceeding to show us with the ultrasound that my uterus now extends from below my belly button all the way up to the bottom of my chest! Crazy!!! The twinges were most likely baby girl, whose head is currently on the right side of the very top of my belly. He said that at this point I should measure the same as a single pregnancy at 24-26 weeks! No wonder I'm huge!

On a completely different note, we did some registering this week. I thought I was unprepared when we registered for our wedding, but I had no idea...there is so much baby stuff! How do we know which pacifiers the Shafer babies will prefer? Despite being totally overwhelmed, we had a great time dreaming about and planning for our little ones' arrival.

Andrew is always in charge of the "gun," and he takes his duties very seriously.

half-way

2011-05-09T13:09:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow we will hit 19 weeks...half-way to the magic 38 week mark where we would likely be induced! It's crazy to think that this pregnancy, which we worked towards for so long, is now half over. I am beyond thankful to have made it to this point. I have two miracles thriving in my belly...sometimes I am overwhelmed by how good God's plan for us is.

We had our big anatomy scan this morning, and to say I was nervous would be an understatement. I was an absolute wreck! I felt like I did with those first few ultrasounds, just knowing that something was going to go wrong. Thankfully, though, the twins looked great. The sonographer immediately confirmed that Baby A is a boy and Baby B is a girl--time to start decorating! She then went over each baby with a fine toothed comb, looking at everything from brain lobes to heart chambers to fingers and toes. Everything checked out great!!! They couldn't see either babies' spine because of their positions, so we have to go again in four weeks (which I totally don't mind), but everything they could see looked perfect.

With all the good reports, I'm starting to feel like this may actually happen...that we may actually have a son and a daughter in our home this fall. Thanks be to God!

moved

2011-05-08T20:40:00.002-04:00

It's official...we moved this weekend! After a crazy couple of weeks of being set to close, not set to close, hail storms, etc., we moved into our new home on Friday and have been unpacking all weekend. The twins now have their own room! It's currently full of boxes and looks nothing like a nursery, but it's theirs. We're all settling in and looking forward to beginning the second half of our pregnancy in our new nest.

belly watch- 18 weeks

2011-05-04T17:59:00.004-04:00

I'm happy to report that we've reached 18 weeks...and I can officially not fit into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I attempted to put on a few cocktail dresses last night, and it was a fairly humorous event. Needless to say, those have all been retired.

Here's the 18 week twin bump in all its glory:

Above is what I look like walking around in public now. I'm pretty sure people are beginning to know I'm pregnant just by looking at me, though it depends largely on what I'm wearing. Hoping this growing bump means healthy, growing babies inside!

heartbeats

2011-05-01T20:52:00.003-04:00

To any expectant parent, the sound of their baby's heartbeat is magical. That quick, rythmic thumping holds so much promise. Before the mother has felt the baby move, the heartbeat is undeniable proof that there is a child resting inside. For me, our babies' heartbeats are the most comforting sound on earth. Every time I hear them at the doctor's office or on my doppler at home (yes, I am crazy and bought a doppler to use at home), I know that our babies are still thriving...I am still a mom.

We were able to record our ultrasound last week, but I got so caught up in the boy & girl excitement that I forgot to share with you all. Here's a link to the portion of the ultrasound where you can see/hear the heartbeats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvYMeAiKBlY. First up is Baby A, our boy, then it switches to Baby B, our girl. The final images where you can see the baby's spine and ribs are the boy. Enjoy!

drumroll please...

2011-04-25T16:24:00.004-04:00

Andrew and I are excited to announce that we will be having a boy and a girl this fall!!!!!! Baby A, our wild child, is a precious boy. We knew this two weeks ago, but confirmed again today. Baby B, our shy one (which the doctor noted could be sneakiness in disguise), is a sweet girl.

We would have been excited about any combination, but are thrilled to get one of each. Andrew has someone to take to the Masters one day, and I have a a little shopping partner. Of course, we could still be wrong at this point, so we will check again at the anatomy scan in two weeks, but we feel fairly confident that a boy/girl set is on the way. Bring on the blue and pink!

national infertility awareness week

2011-04-24T19:52:00.003-04:00

Today is the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. If you know someone who is dealing with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, I encourage you to send them a quick note this week to let them know you are thinking of them. Try not to offer advice--I can assure you they are getting enough of that already. But simple support can mean the world.

So often, infertility patients feel forgotten. People don't know what to say, so they say nothing, leaving the person feeling that their hardship is unimportant or is being ignored. So this week, if someone has shared their struggle with you, consider taking the time to offer a little extra support. I promise it will be deeply appreciated.

hope

2011-04-20T19:32:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow is Holy Thursday, the beginning of a set of days celebrating Jesus' institution of the Eucharist, His death, and His glorious resurrection. Easter is a celebration of grace, a reminder of God's unfathomable love for each of us. To me, though, Easter is also about hope.

On Easter Sunday, God turned the most hideous, unjust death ever suffered into the most beautiful promise of life. Easter, then, reminds us to cling to hope. Hope that God can pull beauty out of the most dire situation. Hope that when we are afraid of what life will throw at us next, God is walking beside us. Hope that when we do not understand our circumstances, God has a plan for our lives, even though it is often not the plan we envisioned.

April has been a strange month for me. This is the month when our first baby would have been born. Part of me longs to know that child, to hold it and love on it. Yet if we were anxiously awaiting the birth of that precious one, our twins would have never been conceived. Out of the loss of our first three children, God brought Andrew and I to a place where these twins could find life. When we began our journey towards parenthood last spring, I could have never imagined where that journey would take us. Now, though, I look back at our whirlwind ride through recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility treatments, and I know that we are exactly where we were meant to be. These twins were meant to be our children all along. Biological children are unfortunately not part of everyone's path, but thankfully they are a part of ours.

I have great hope for these twins. Hope that they will arrive this fall, safely and healthily. Hope that they will grow up loving Jesus and loving each other. Hope that each Easter, they will be reminded of God's great promises of love, grace, and enduring hope.

top ten "twos"

2011-04-17T19:20:00.004-04:00

Over the last few days, I've been thinking about my favorite things that come as a set, so I thought I would share my top ten with you all. All of these may not exactly "go together" for everyone, but for me they are hard to separate.

10. Mittens- I just love a great pair of mittens...they are functional yet whimsical at the same time. My latest pair were handwoven in Ireland and were a birthday gift from my Sister--thanks, Christina!

9. Football & Tailgating- If this were Andrew's list, this "set" would be much higher on the chart. Even I must admit, though, that tailgating outside Neyland Stadium on a perfect fall day is pretty special.

8. Beach & Frozen Drinks- Though this year they will be non-alcoholic, no trip to the beach is complete without margaritas, daiquiris, etc.

7. Earrings- The perfect pair can really make an outfit.

6. Orange & White- Go Vols!

5. Olive Oil & Balsamic Vinegar- Deliciousness! Sometimes I am certain I was supposed to be Italian.

4. Wine & Cheese- See #5 (although if cheese isn't available, I will happily drink the wine all by its lonesome).

3. Shoes- My favorite, favorite article of clothing ever. Although I have too many pairs to count, I have two pairs that I truly treasure (my Manolos and my Louboutins). I hope to add to this collection as the years pass, and I hope that if we have a daughter she appreciates fine footwear.

2. Cooper & Stella- Cooper was an only child for the first five years of his life, and we were always afraid he would be sad if we added another furry friend to the family. Now he and Stella are very best friends, and I am so thankful they will have each other when the babies arrive.

1. Our precious twins, of course!!!